[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]
JAJoel [as Mitchell]
Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!
S5Mitchell
[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]
[walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Yeah?
Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]
Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]
Can you guys sign my time card?
[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]
Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!
[As Dr. F puts his arm around an uncomfortable Mike, Frank turns to look at the camera, puzzled, as he pushes the button and the screen fades to black.]
Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?
Ehh...
S5The Brain That Wouldn't Die
[In the operating room...]
BSBill's Father
I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
SAServo [as Bill's Father]
'Cuz he got me as his doctor.
[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]
BBill
You have the keys to your car?
[Cut to them driving.]
CCrow
The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
SAServo [as announcer]
The Long, Long Trailer!
[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]
Hey, that was my prom theme!
SAServo [as Cortner]
Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]
CACrow [as Cortner]
Aughhh! The road is attacking me!
[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]
SAServo [as Jan]
[muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
SAServo [as Jan]
[muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
MAMike [as Sports Announcer]
Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
CCrow
He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.
[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]
CWCrow [with British accent]
Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!
[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
MAMike [as Cortner]
Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
CACrow [as Cortner]
[pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
SAServo [as Cortner]
Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
SAServo [as Maître d']
Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]
CCrow
Doesn't she need lungs?
No, she's got neck juice!
[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]
CACrow [as Jan]
Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!
[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]
JJan
Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!
[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtack continues the porny sax music.]
SAServo [as Radio DJ]
[sultrily] It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.
[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]
MAMike [as Announcer]
Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
SAServo [as Cortner]
I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!
[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]
MAMike [as Radio DJ]
Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!
[echoing, hushed] K-PORN!
[The monster, having escaped the closet earlier, bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]
SAServo [as Monster]
That's one nasty McNugget! Ew!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.