[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]
CCrow
[as skelton/Martha Raye] Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth!
S4Being from Another Planet
[Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal]
JJeweler
Worthless.
PPeter
Worthless?!
SAServo [as Jeweler]
Yeah, your career, that is.
PPeter
What do you mean worthless?!
JJeweler
I mean they're not precious.
SAServo [as Jeweler]
You're precious.
PPeter
They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man!
JJeweler
Well, who told you that? Some hustler in a swap meet?
CCrow
I don't read Hustler.
PPeter
Forget it! [takes the crystals back]
I'm gonna find those strawberries...
PPeter
Clown!
JAJoel [as Jeweler]
Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower!
[during a radio show]
And now, a special message for those naughty boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden.
CCrow
Wow, hot show.
DDouglas
Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern...
CCrow
[as Douglas] GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!!
[as Linda Flores (portrayed by Shari Belafonte-Harper) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey]
[as Linda] Now here's The Banana Boat Song by a little someone I'd like to call Dad.
CCrow
[the mummy reappears on-screen] Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere!
[Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party]
BBill
Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! [is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]
CACrow [as a girl]
Oh, a priest? We love priests!
JAJoel [as a girl]
[seductively] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!
CACrow [as a girl]
Oooh, I'm about to.
[one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind]
Big mistake.
[the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony]
CCrow
They're not supposed to melt your hand.
Hate that; the Claw.
[over the credits] You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here.
Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy?
Worse (than that), worse.
CCrow
What about Sidehackers?
Worse.
Cave Dwellers?
Worse.
CCrow
Catalina Caper?
Worse.
Pod People?
Worse!
CCrow
Hellcats?
Oh, worse.
Daddy-O?
Worse!
CCrow
Rocket Attack USA?
Worse.
Earth vs. the Spider?
Definitely worse.
CCrow
Ring of Terror?
Worse!
It Conquered the World?
Uh... yeah, worse!
The Manchingo Coniglium?
[uncertain] Oh, huh?
CCrow
Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better!
[This movie]'s a ton worse.
CCrow
How about The Castle of Fu Manchu?
Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
[Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots]
I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. [collapses onto the button to end the experiment]
[Joel attempts to cheer up Crow and Servo from the rough mood the film has left them in (complete with clowns displayed on the Holo-View screen), only for it to start falling flat]
Y'know, putting all the different fun things in one room eventually leaves you feeling kinda hollow, doesn't it?
[while the holo-clowns look at the group] What are you lookin' at?!
S4Attack of the Giant Leeches
[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]
C1Clown #1
Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
Yes, about a kajillion times!
C1Clown #1
Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?
[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]
Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!
C2Clown #2
[to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?
[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]
C2Clown #2
[to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)
[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]
D1Doctor #1
Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
CACrow [as Doctor #2]
Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!
D2Doctor #2
He'll make a fine Naval officer.
He'll make several of them!
Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie)
[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]
Oh, Mommy!
JAJoel [as Announcer]
Honey West!
CCrow
Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.
[Dr. Forrester is preparing to demonstrate his leech nicotine patch on Frank]
TSTV's Frank
Wait; no! I'm the sum of my vices! I want to live! I want to live and love and laugh in life and live-
But this won't hurt a bit!
TSTV's Frank
[completely changes his tune] ...Okay!
S4The Killer Shrews
Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick--and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.
Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.