Bill Dudley quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! [is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]

Oh, a priest? We love priests!

[seductively] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!

Oooh, I'm about to.

You have the keys to your car?

The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.

The Long, Long Trailer!

First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.

Eat every piece!

Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?

That's exactly the way I feel about it.

[miserably] I have to. It's all I've got!

Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.

Watch me come on to a grocer.

Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]

Be a shame if this ran over your kid...

You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...

What a moron.

That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.

What's he on?

Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.

What does he want from me?

Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.

Why can't he leave me alone?

I like to do business with salesmen like that.

But his bread sucks.

[explaining his work philosophy] The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this [taps head] and this. [taps inventory book]

A hat and a pad.

[explaining his work philosophy] That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up.

Mike

Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know...