[Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]
CCrow
IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!!
Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow!
S3Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him!
CICrow [imitating William Shatner]
A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- [gets slapped in the beak]
Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo!
COCrow [on Shatner mode]
But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! [breaking character] Hooker's a good cop! Whoa! He's a good-- [gets slapped in the beak again]
Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance!
CCrow
[sobs] I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know...
New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated Bacchus III commander from the beloved Fugitive Alien series!
CCrow
Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately.
Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks!
JAJoel [as drunk Joe]
Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of Bacchus 3. Set 'em up, barkeep.
CCrow
Flask and travel bar not included.
Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial.
JAJoel [as drunk Joe]
Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink!
Crow Existential void where prohibited.
Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him.
CCrow
Tax and license not included.
You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe.
JAJoel [as Ken]
Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate!
JAJoel [as Barbie]
Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House!
JAJoel [as Donatello]
Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life.
And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always...
JCJoel, Crow, and Servo
[singing] Try to kill him with a forklift!
[singing to the film's score] Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare...
[starting to get annoyed] That's good... that's plenty.
Sorry.
[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky] I'll kill that Rocky.
CCrow
Again?
Oh-hooo, hit him.
...
[calling Rocky] Rocky, can you read me?
CCrow
Again?
... stop it.
Rocky!
CCrow
AGAIN?
[snapping] STOP IT!
Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :[singing] What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue,
[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]
Where have I seen this before?
Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?
CCrow
Yeah...
Yep.
S3Gamera vs. Barugon
JGJapanese General
Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.
Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.
[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]
Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.
And, we'll be right back, right after this. Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! 5000-piece Spike Meta-Monster set, some pieces not included, astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Here's what you get: 500 Japanese light infantry (valuepartsmaynotbemissing), 36 helpless individuals, 20 tanks, 15 rifles, 24 bazooka gun runners, 18 ambulance chasers,12 fighters (setnotincluded), 16 helicopter parts, 200 shooting crossers, 19 fighting clowns, 6 geese a' layin', 24 Mohawk Indians, and much, much, much more! And now recieve it at half the extra value with this defining monster action pack! Flame on with Gamera (torso sold seperately), he belches real fire and causes real pain. Solid rubber Barugon comes with ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage). Act Now! Act Often and snap on the entire "TOKYO METROPOLITAN AREA" (some parts may not exist). Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Kurobe dam (smaller than shown). Trample the add on "HAPLESS CITIZEN" Play set, then abhor the action with the fabulous "ANTI-WAR PROTEST Pack."But that's not all! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the "LIGHTS!, GAMERA!, ACTION!" series. There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shaved Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall Apart Voodoo Kenny. Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain. Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah or Puerto Rico! Prices subject to whim! Please wear rubber underwear! Some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! Mommy! Mmmmmmommy! Mommy! Momm-mmmph! [Joel muffles him with an oxygen mask]
Let's not do that again, okay? We'll be right back.
[collapses into big, healthy, frightened tears as Joel consoles him]
Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages.
Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages!
Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two?
C1Caller 1
I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway.
What a complete wing-nut!
Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great.
CCrow
Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic.
Could I say something to our friendly caller, Joel?
Of course, Servo.
Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble?
Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one.
C2Caller 2
[excitedly] Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!!
CCrow
Oh, he must mean Dave Moore.
No, he's on TV 4.
CCrow
No, that's Moore On 4.
No, that's a black gospel singing group.
CCrow
No, that's Moore By Four.
Isn't that an off road truck?
CCrow
No, that's a 4x4.
No you're thinking of a 2x4.
CCrow
No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy."
No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out.
CCrow
No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant!
S3Gamera
[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]
HDr. Hidaka
The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]
There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.
[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]
Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?
Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.
[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]
JAJoel [as Catherine]
When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel.
[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]
CACrow [as Gamera]
Those kids at school -- they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.