MSMichelle's Father
Don't get smart with me!
I'm not getting smart!
MAMike [as Michelle]
I can't!
S10Girl in Gold Boots
Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of Nepalese money.
CCrow
From the land of Nipples!
. . .
[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]
MAMike [as Buz]
Your money's from Senegal!
. . .
[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]
Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
MAMike [as Critter]
Ah, here's some Guatemalan quetzal.
GSGas Station Attendant
Will this be cash or charge?
BBuz
Cash.
[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]
CCrow
On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun!
Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man.
. . .
[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]
MAMike [as Buz]
Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
SAServo [as Buz]
Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!
[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]
I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. [Points to Buz.]
Boy?!
. . .
LLeo
Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. [Pulls Buz aside.]
I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
. . .
CACrow [as Buz]
Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!
. . .
[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]
I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.
[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]
MAMike [as Harry]
Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
. . .
MAMike [as Buz]
Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy!
Well, what do you expect, he's only a child!
[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]
Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad.
[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"] Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...
. . .
[We see a billboard for Doctor Dolittle starring Rex Harrison.]
Doctor Dolittle? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy.
. . .
I think someone slipped us their vacation videos.
CCrow
Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet.
An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.!
. . .
[singing along with the music] Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,
The Zodiac killer's at large,
Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,
And Santa Claus is on his way!
. . .
[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]
CCrow
Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House!
S10Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]
GGrandpa
Uh-oh!
CACrow [as Grandpa]
We better eat all the ice cream!
[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]
SAServo [as the star]
[straining] Twinkle! [grunts] That's all I got.
[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]
Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.
[snidely] Allow me to introduce myself.
SAServo [as Cooper]
I'm Bob Jackass.
[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]
SAServo [as Cooper]
Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!
[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]
SAServo [as Miffy]
Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe!
[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]
SAServo [as Madeline]
Honey? You okay down there?
MAMike [as Cooper]
Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!
[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Don't I get a kiss?
ZZurella
You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
So, she threatened him with sex?
[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]
Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!
It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit.
[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]
God help me!
SAServo [as God]
Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.