[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]
CCrow
What happens when you touch gold?
“Girl in Gold Boots” · Season 10
In this episode: Mike Nelson (13), Crow T. Robot (10), Tom Servo (9), Critter (3), Michelle (2), Harry (1)
[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]
BBuz
What's wrong?
CACrow [as Michelle]
I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!"
[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]
MAMike [as Buz]
Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.
I'll have ten Hershey bars.
CCrow
Tin Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
That'll be one dollar.
SAServo [as Critter]
I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
Can you cash a hundred?
I've never even seen one!
Fifty?
[Michelle shakes her head "no."]
MAMike [as Critter]
Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.
[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]
SAServo [as Buz]
I'm back!
...
MAMike [as Buz]
Anybody notice that I'm here now?
...
CACrow [as Buz]
C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!
[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]
She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.
[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]
MAMike [as Man]
[politely] Excuse me, young man--can I get a "fix"?
[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]
SAServo [as Man]
No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"
[A series of signs that read: HELP! on the way to first assignment future soldier and war-bride honeymooning ]
Oh, so he learns he enjoys violence, and be ready to kill like, a man ought a.
. . .
[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]
Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
. . .
She's dancing the specials at T.G.I. Friday's.
CCrow
Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the Jack Daniel's grill.
. . .
[singing] But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
[singing] You're living a lie.
[singing] You gotta come down.
[singing] You dance like a clown.
[singing] By and by.
[singing] I hope that you die!
[The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again.
. . .
Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie?
. . .
CCrow
It's a jerk and pony marathon.
. . .
Mike, you're a human being. How come you don't have a body like that?
. . .
CCrow
The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne.
. . .
Ed Grimley choreographed this dance.
. . .
Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him?
[Over a shot of the diner showing the word "EAT"]
They forgot the "ME".
Ah, the nights we lingered over brandy at "Eat".
MSMichelle's Father
Don't get smart with me!
I'm not getting smart!
MAMike [as Michelle]
I can't!
Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of Nepalese money.
CCrow
From the land of Nipples!
. . .
[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]
MAMike [as Buz]
Your money's from Senegal!
. . .
[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]
Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
MAMike [as Critter]
Ah, here's some Guatemalan quetzal.
GSGas Station Attendant
Will this be cash or charge?
BBuz
Cash.
[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]
CCrow
On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun!
Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man.
. . .
[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]
MAMike [as Buz]
Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
SAServo [as Buz]
Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!
[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]
I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. [Points to Buz.]
Boy?!
. . .
LLeo
Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. [Pulls Buz aside.]
I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
. . .
CACrow [as Buz]
Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!
. . .
[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]
I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.
[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]
MAMike [as Harry]
Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
. . .
MAMike [as Buz]
Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy!
Well, what do you expect, he's only a child!
[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]
Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad.
[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"] Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...
. . .
[We see a billboard for Doctor Dolittle starring Rex Harrison.]
Doctor Dolittle? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy.
. . .
I think someone slipped us their vacation videos.
CCrow
Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet.
An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.!
. . .
[singing along with the music] Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,
The Zodiac killer's at large,
Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,
And Santa Claus is on his way!
. . .
[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]
CCrow
Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.