CACrow [as Merlin]
I'm going to hit the mystical can.
. . .
CACrow [as Merlin]
Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you.
S10Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]
Heed my words....
MAMike [as Merlin]
...munch my shorts....
[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]
Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!
Clapton?
I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
[laughs] Why?
[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]
Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
MAMike [as Merlin]
...you fine!
[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]
CCrow
Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.
[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]
SAServo [as the Kid]
[slowly] Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!
[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]
You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
CACrow [as Cooper]
My cheek-lines disagree.
[Cooper has cast a spell that allows him to breathe fire using Merlin's book]
Surely, Merlin has brought good into the world!
[Grandpa has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]
CACrow [as Grandpa]
I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much.
PIPearl [introducing the movie]
I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain!
[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey] Why do I have to deal with it alone?
AAdrianne
Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense!
SAServo [as Adrianne]
Wake up!
AAdrianne
The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, literally!
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits-
AAdrianne
[seemingly agitated] Get that toy out of your house!
MAMike [as Adrianne]
You idiot!
I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do.
[Adrianne gives David a medallion]
CACrow [as Adrianne]
You want some peanuts?
What's that?
AAdrianne
It's called a bethogram.
SAServo [as Adrianne]
I sense the demon's name is Beth.
This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh?
AAdrianne
Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times.
Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too?
AAdrianne
My God, David!
MAMike [as Adrianne]
You moron!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come-
AAdrianne
I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own!
CACrow [as Adrianne]
Damn it!
AAdrianne
And remember David, NEVER let it know!
SAServo [as Adrianne]
You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!!
Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]: I did a good job painting this room
CCrow
And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief!
SAServo [as the kid]
No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
CACrow [as Grandpa Borgnine]
Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!
S10Future War
[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].
In association with Bob Tet Offensive Productions.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.