I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are!
[Short pause.]
RMRo-Man
Now I will kill you.
S1Robot Monster
[of Robot Monster] To call this film wretched would be an insult to the word wretched. It stars no-one!
CCrow
[roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo] Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)?
Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan.
CCrow
But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live!
But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick.
CCrow
Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, he is Hu-Man; YOU are Ro-Man!
[a moment later Joel meets up with the Bots]
Hey Crow, Servo. What's up?
Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, Mr. Bond; I must kill you now- [Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense] Whoa!
CCrow
Joel; what happened?
(It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me!
CCrow
No, we were just doing a little role-playing!
[after Joel and the Bots have been left delirious by the film and present a "pageant" about the many contradictions of Ro-Man as a character]
CCrow
We believe these truths to be evident- and obvious.
Please give to the United Robot College Fund!
Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? [addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt] What do you think, sirs?
Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?!
Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped.
S1The Slime People
[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]
It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
CCrow
Hip? Not. Ick!
The Slime People (movie)
[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]
SAServo [as Gregory]
Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
CACrow [as Answering Machine]
Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.
[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]
TTolliver
Genius waits for no one!
CCrow
But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
. . .
[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]
TTolliver
I… I've never seen anything like it!
Even in Tijuana!
. . .
[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]
Lookit -- they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!
[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]
GGregory
Look at this. Blonde hair.
Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
CCrow
At night.
In a fog.
CCrow
[in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up] Here's a little morning poem-
Birdie with the yellow bill
hopped upon my windowsill;
cocked his shining eye and said
"What's for breakfast, Grandma?".
[during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy] We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! [to Dr. Forrester] May I?
Enjoy!
CCCotton Candy
[as Ernhardt bites down] Ow! That's my head! Owwww!
Well, what do you think of that?
[disgusted] You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think!
[of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all] The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public.
Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist!
I guess you're right.
S1Project Moonbase
[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]
CCrow
Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.
S1Robot Holocaust
[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]
VValeria
You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
TTorque
Yes!
VValeria
Do you unduhstand, old man?
Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
VValeria
Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
JAJoel [as Jorn]
Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
VValeria
Vewy well. Towque, go now.
JAJoel [as Jorn]
Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?
[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]
A dagger is placed into the ground--
A voice-over is placed into the script.
[A severed head rolls past]
Oh, it's a spare!
CCrow
Gutter head.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.