Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]
Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.
Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.
[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]
Inspector Davis: Can I get on?
Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel] Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.
Inspector Davis: Can I get on?
Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel] Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.
[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]
Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton.
Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton.
[Police car is searching for the girl gang]
Mike [as a cop]: You said you knew where the chase was!
Crow [as a cop]: No, you said you knew where it was!
Mike [as a cop]: Well, I never!
Mike [as a cop]: You said you knew where the chase was!
Crow [as a cop]: No, you said you knew where it was!
Mike [as a cop]: Well, I never!
[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).]
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!
[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]
Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!
Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me!
Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!
Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...
Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.
Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!
Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me!
Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!
Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...
Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.
[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]
Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches!
Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches!
[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]
Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!
Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!
[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]
Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?
Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?
[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]
Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like?
Crow [as Brewster]: Well, it's got a good personality��
Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like?
Crow [as Brewster]: Well, it's got a good personality��
[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots]
Mike [as the henchman]: Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
...
[The henchman gets dropped again]
Servo [as the henchman]: My mustache makes me fall sideways!
Mike [as the henchman]: Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
...
[The henchman gets dropped again]
Servo [as the henchman]: My mustache makes me fall sideways!
[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]
Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!
Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!
[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]
Crow [as Maciste]: [wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!
Crow [as Maciste]: [wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!
[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]
Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Quintus: When I touch you��
Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
Quintus: ��we will be one.
Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience' sake.
Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Quintus: When I touch you��
Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
Quintus: ��we will be one.
Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience' sake.
[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]
Mike [as Knight]: [in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!
Mike [as Knight]: [in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!