[Over the opening title]
The Potsie story.
S6High School Big Shot
S6Red Zone Cuba
The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
SAServo [as Narrator]
…after the human nipple.
Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
...Okay...
...a doll that never talked.
[nervously] Just do what he says...
Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!
[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]
Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
CCrow
Be sure to get a brand-new chin.
...and your favorite tie.
Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone!
[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]
...You will look poised and dignified.
Uh, no you won't.
. . .
CCrow
Don't do this during the speech.
Red Zone Cuba (movie)
[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]
John Carradine!
CCrow
Was he always a hundred years old?
[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine).]
Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.
[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]
[deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.
[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]
CCrow
[lisping] Sal Mineo for Viceroy!
[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]
MAMike [as Announcer]
Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!
SAServo [as Curly Howard]
Hey, Moe!
[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]
MMike
[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]
Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
I got Coleman Francis on my mind.
[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]
Hey, I see some soccer players down there...
[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]
JJoe
Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
CSCrow, Servo [as Men]
You shove off!
JJoe
…and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
MAMike [as Joe]
There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
JJoe
At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.
SAServo [as Joe]
Ted, you take Havana.
[Griffin (played by Coleman Francis) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]
MAMike [as Cuban Soldier]
The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.
[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
[sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
CCrow
I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.