Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]
Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?
Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?
[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
Crow [as Cortner]: [pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
Crow [as Cortner]: [pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!
[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]
Servo [as the star]: [straining] Twinkle! [grunts] That's all I got.
Servo [as the star]: [straining] Twinkle! [grunts] That's all I got.
[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Dr. Miller: [ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?!
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Dr. Miller: [ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?!
[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Servo: Uh�� I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a--
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me.
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Servo: Uh�� I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a--
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me.
[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]
Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!
Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!
[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]
Crow [as Fat Man]: Draw... me some butter!
Crow [as Fat Man]: Draw... me some butter!
[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.
[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]
Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?
Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it!
Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?
Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it!
[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
Servo [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.
Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
Servo [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.
Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]
Mike: Fries are up!
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]
Mike: Fries are up!
[In the middle of a war, Observer ("Brain Guy") explains his nurse's uniform.]
Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite.
Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite.
[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]
Mike: Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!
Mike: Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!
[In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.]
Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back.
Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back.