[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
S5Santa Claus
[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]
MAMike [as announcer]
It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]
[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]
Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!
[Several children are writing.]
CACrow [as children]
Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
CCrow
[sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...
[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]
MAMike [as boy]
I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!
[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]
CACrow [as Santa]
Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!
PPedro
What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
SCSanta Claus
Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
SAServo [as Santa Claus]
And they eat at Hardee's!
[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]
This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
CCrow
Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
SMServo, Mike, and Crow
He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
[scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]
A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.
[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]
SAServo [as African Child]
[grumbling] Bone in my hair... I'm from Detroit!
[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky] I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?
Circle Pines?
[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]
MAMike [as Santa]
Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!
[after getting a written $25 check from Dr. Forrester that only has value in 30 years in the future, TV's Frank laments shaving his head for seemingly no reason to get Dr. Forrester a watch fob for Christmas]
TSTV's Frank
[crying] My hair! My beautiful head of TV's Frank hair!
[to Mike] Your movie today, Mark, is called Santa Claus; it's a thoughtful, well-shot documentary about the Crimean War.
TSTV's Frank
[bitterly, in-between sobs] [No;] It's a stupid Mexican kid's movie!
CCrow
[upon seeing an animatronic Santa] That's some good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.
S5Teen-Age Crime Wave
[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]
MAMike [as an answering machine]
This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
CCrow
Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
[starts performing The Rockford Files theme]
[at Jane's arraignment]
JJane
Every word I told the judge was the truth, mama.
CCrow
Court-appointed parents.
JJane
I didn't know what Terry and those boys were gonna do!
JSJane's Mother
You were out with those hoodlums. No decent girl would be seen with them.
JSJane's Father
Why Jane? You said you were going to the movies. You didn't say anything about being with boys you didn't even know.
MAMike [as Jane's father]
You're a slutty gun moll.
JJane
Dad, all I did was go out on a date!
CCrow
Satan's play thing!
JJane
I didn't know what I was getting into! She came to work and asked if I wanted to meet a nice boy!
JSJane's Mother
"Nice boy..." a thief.
Mr. and Mrs. Bridge read her the Riot Act.
JSJane's Mother
... and you'd been drinking!
JJane
I wouldn't have been with him if you hadn't picked an argument with me last night!
JSJane's Mother
You sinned, and you'll pay for your crime, Jane.
CACrow [as Jane's mother]
I'll be there, front row, at your hanging!
JJane
Daddy, help me, please!
MAMike [as Jane's father]
I'm afraid you're going down, kitten. Hard.
JJane
You're my family!
SAServo [as Jane]
Uh... aren't you?
JSJane's Mother
I don't know how your father will ever face his business friends again.
CCrow
Well, let's ask him. He's right here.
Dad?
This is just like dinner at home.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.