[In the operating room...]
Bill's Father: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
Servo [as Bill's Father]: 'Cuz he got me as his doctor.

[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]
Rick: What're you gonna do?
Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
Mike: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!

[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!
Joe: ...the bright glare of a welder...
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
Servo [as Joe]: Yes!
Joe: ...the sharp whine of the power tools��
Mike [as Joe]: ...the piercing scream of a freshman��
Joe: ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Joe: ...A wrench...
Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
Joe: ...A plane...
Crow [as Joe]: [haltingly] These tools are my friends!
Joe: ...or a chisel...
Servo: What about girls young man? Girls?
Mike: No, no, chisels!

[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her jumpsuit.]
Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow: A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?
Mike: Hmmm...

[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]
Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
. . .
Mike [as Harry]: Dinner isn't white enough, honey.

[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]
Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]
. . .
[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]
Crow: Let the Cher jokes...begin.
Servo: Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...

[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]
Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life...
Crow: Whoa!
Apollonia: ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
Servo: Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?
. . .
Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
[Apollonia slaps him.]
Crow [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually.
. . .
Apollonia: Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...
Servo: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start!

[Inside the college dorm room]
Servo: So... Where's Waldo?
Mike: He's under the bed.
[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]
Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?
Servo: Heh heh heh.
Liz: Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
Mike [as Peg]: Hi, Mom.

[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]
Tony: 1... 2...
Servo [as Tony]: 3...
Tony: 5...
Joel, Crow, Servo: What?!
Tony: 6...
Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.
Tony: 7... 4.
Crow: Well, they are British.

[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]
Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
. . .
Crow: If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!

[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]
Hunchback Fairy: My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
Servo: Well, maybe you should have diversified more!

[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]
Queen Lara: What are you talking about?
Mike [as Jack Palance]: [resignedly] I really don't know.

[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?
. . .
Servo [as Walter Winchell]: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]
Angry City Councilman: We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
Servo [as Councilman]: Kill 'em all!

[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]
Jan: Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Servo: Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!