They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
SAServo [as patrolman]
They're communists!
S5Radar Secret Service
[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]
Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condecsendingly]
People who have survived a train crash usually say...
AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
That's what they say.
[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]
[Jokingly] I give up, officer! What's the charge?
CACrow [as patrolman]
Ha, ha! MANSLAUGHTER.
CCrow
I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!
EEngineer
Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
TATom [as Ralph]
You're deep, Ernie.
So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
MAMike [as patrolman]
Save a place for me at your dinner table!
...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
...uh-oh...
...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
CCrow
OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
He's a bad cop on the loose!
...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!
Radar Secret Service (movie)
[As title of movie appears on screen]
CCrow
Gary Burghoff goes undercover!
That would explain his career for the last 10 years.
S5Santa Claus
[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]
We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]
SAServo [as Santa]
[singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
. . .
[Over Spain]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
[singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...
. . .
[Over China]
[singing] We are forced to sing...
CCrow
Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
. . .
Boys and girls from England.
CCrow
...have rotten teeth.
SAServo [as Santa]
Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
. . .
Japan also helps Santa.
MAMike [as Narrator]
By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
. . .
Talented children from the Orient.
CCrow
...are not here today.
Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
SAServo [as Santa]
[singing] Get it on in the morning now!
. . .
Even Russia has a delegation.
CCrow
Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
. . .
The group from France.
...stinks to high heaven!
. . .
[Over Germany]
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
Klink, you are a terrible singer!
MAMike [as Col. Klink]
You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
MAMike [as Col. Klink]
Well, my father was a very famous conductor...
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
Shut up!
I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?
. . .
Here's a happy song from Italy.
[sings random Italian gibberish]
CCrow
So is this neorealism?
SAServo [as Don Corleone]
Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
. . .
The islands of the Caribbean.
...have nothing to do with this movie.
SAServo [as a Jamaican]
Legalize it, mon!
[singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...
SAServo [as Ed McMahon]
Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
. . .
The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
CCrow
Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
. . .
The countries of Central America.
...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
. . .
CCrow
Hooray!
Yay! USA! Woo!
The children of the USA.
CCrow
...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
. . .
A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
CCrow
...are over-accessorized.
[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].
Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
CCrow
Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
CACrow [as mother]
Way to defeat Satan, honey.
[muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
[bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.
[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
[cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]
SBSecond boy
[over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
SAServo [as Santa Claus]
They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]
CCrow
This is a fascist Santa!
Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.