Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

What is it?

The mirror.

Well, what about it?

It was broken.

Damn bikers must have fixed it!

Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to wait here while she goes tinkle? What's the point? Why?

[as the alien reveals itself to Ana] Ugh, gotta stop mixing steak milk and NyQuil...

Mommy, I don't wanna go. I like it here.

Shh, honey, don't talk now...

Or ever.

Boy, are you steaming hams down here again?

[pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven] Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg?

[very annoyed] ... Flush them the movie!

No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would blow their minds.

...... No.

[as officers inspect their boat] I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week.

But this time, it's different.

It's my birthday.

You can say that again.

It's my birthday.

This time we got the jackpot.

We caught us a money shark! Check it out!

[holding up a catch of fish] Eh?

Servo

Finding Nemo my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family!

You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive.

He's a miracle!

But he looks pretty healthy.

Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's extremely efficacious. [snickers]

Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script.

[as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate] Ah ah ah, much too heavy for a man in your delicate condition.

Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book.

Servo

Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed!

It's especially humiliating because he had so much dignity in the first place.

I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling.

Curse this final form!

[singing] Will I see many sea anemones? No no, there are no sea anemones to see. But though I don't see baracuda or a school of ahi tuna, I'll still rip off Jaws one and two and three!

Where have you two been?

In the shower.

Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm?

[playing backgammon] I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves.

Servo

Lathering, rinsing, repeating...

Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage.

Maybe I should take a lesson from you.

In the shower?

Here, you two play. Go ahead.

In the shower? Tom, you take the next one.

No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off.

Servo

In the SHOWER???

If you look out the left side of the tram, you'll see a twister from the movie Twister. And there's the flash flood section of the backlot. You might recognize it from The Three Amigos, and The China Syndrome. Hopefully you're wearing your raincoats, because the dam broke. Of course, this is just the magic of special effects, courtesy of three giant pumps that can move 10,000 gallons of water in sixty seconds. This concludes our tour! Hope you enjoyed our new Killer Fish ride at Universal.

[as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas] Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves!

Ugh, not now, M Waverly.