CCrow
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie!
Okay, out.
CCrow
What? But that's Shakespeare!
Out!
CCrow
Oh, c'mon...
S11Reptilicus
Now you're Mister Filing Cabinet!
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack.
[as the scenes cut rapidly]
Door is ajar.
CCrow
The temperature is negative five degrees!
He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
The time is 5:06 a.m.
CCrow
The temperature is ten degrees!
Door is ajar.
He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
The time is 8:06 a.m.
CCrow
The temperature is twenty degrees!!!
CCrow
Only God can play God, and sometimes Morgan Freeman!
[during a shot of two officers playing chess]
CACrow [as officer]
Bingo. Yahtzee. King me. I don't really know how to play backgammon.
S11Cry Wilderness
[as the title card appears]
CCrow
Well, if you insist.
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
WILDERNESS!
[as Bigfoot yells for Paul in his sleep]
BBigfoot
Your father is in great danger, Paul!
SAServo [as Paul]
Sweetums, is that you???
BBigfoot
He needs your help!
CACrow [as Bigfoot]
And like ten bucks for gas money so he can get back to Albany!
BBigfoot
Hurry, Paul!
JAJonah [as Bigfoot]
I've shouted at three different boy schools! Is this the right Paul?!
DMr. Douglas
You're too old to believe in fairy tales!
GGyspy
He is? What a terrible way to find out.
[as Paul runs through the landscape near a lake away from his father, who is carrying a rifle]
SAServo [as Paul]
Ha ha, dad! Chase me! I'm precocious and filled with wonder! We are but stardust!
CCrow
You can't spell "dad" without ADD.
WWill
Paul!
JAJonah [as Will]
Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG!
[cut to them both across the lake]
Wait a minute, did they just run across that lake?
WWill
PAAAUUUL!
CCrow
BANG!
JAJonah [as Paul]
But I'm still so curious!
CCrow
BANG!
Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun.
Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... a person!
[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]
CACrow [as a raccoon]
I went from Guardians of the Galaxy to this?!
SAServo [as other raccoon]
How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick!
. . .
You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN.
Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace.
[Paul's father begins to laugh]
CCrow
Don't laugh. You people are pigs.
WMr. Wagoner
You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel.
WWill
All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster.
WMr. Wagoner
My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em!
Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner.
JAJonah [as Sheriff]
How high, sir?
WMr. Wagoner
What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys!
JJim
You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner.
WMr. Wagoner
Make me understand.
WWill
It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with.
[Wagoner throws something down which seemingly hits Servo]
Ow! Geez!
WMr. Wagoner
If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of one hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! [to Morgan] You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! [to Jim] You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! [a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]
JAJonah [as Wagoner]
Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments.
[as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing]
Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun.
JJim
It's old Big Mike!
CACrow [as Will]
Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead.
JAJonah [as Morgan]
What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails.
CCrow
Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love.
SAServo [as Paul]
Maybe I'll laugh later.
[Will begins laughing]
CCrow
I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their Seinfeld.
[Paul begins laughing] It's funny!
CCrow
Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.