MMorgan
Let's keep this a secret between you and me.
CCrow
Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid.
S11Cry Wilderness
[after a random tiger exits the cave]
CACrow [as the tiger]
I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks.
JJim
[grabbing Paul] Do I have to tie you up?!
PPaul
You're nothing but a dumb Indian!
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
WHOA!
JJim
Red Hawk! Is that you?
RHRed Hawk
You remember me, don't you?
JJim
You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave.
JAJonah [as Red Hawk]
Well, Happy Easter.
RHRed Hawk
I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. [beckons to the animals around him]
CACrow [as a hawk]
I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police!
[during a snowy scene]
MMorgan
Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game.
WWill
What do you mean?
MMorgan
I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now!
CACrow [as Morgan]
Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine!
[As the credits roll]
Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit.
S11The Time Travelers
CCrow
I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour.
Rip Torn is Dr. Strange!
[shot of a table of android eyeballs]
CCrow
Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks.
Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin?
"And-groin"? Did you just make that word up?
I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch".
CCrow
Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting!
[holding a tray of android eyeballs] Holy McKee! I thought I was giving her the eye!
[sigh] You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny.
Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up!
[as Danny and Reena kiss]
Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow!
CCrow
Hah!
Hey...
[as Carol finds a storage room filled with wooden boxes full of straw]
Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future!
CCrow
Hobo bedding... of the future!
The insides of scarecrows... of the future!
Practical dynamite storage... of the future!
CCrow
Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future!
Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of Jerry Maguire... also of the future!
You are pronouncing our death sentence.
SAServo [as Steve]
You dickweed!
WWillard
I don't enjoy doing it.
You resented us from the beginning!
WWillard
I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I...
CCrow
Line!
WWillard
We must consider the greater good!
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
The greater good...
[as the movie abruptly ends]
CCrow
Oh no, the universe lost reception!
[a message from the producer appears onscreen]
The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good.
I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.