NNoel
At the risk of sounding nuts...
CACrow [as Noel]
I've replaced my toes with grapes.
S9Werewolf
[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]
No, wait! It's a gorilla!
[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]
...With a dog mask on!
[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]
I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.
[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]
NNoel
Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you?
CACrow [as Noel]
You are married to me!
[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]
PPaul
I'm actually working on something now.
Really? What's the subject matter?
CACrow [as Paul]
You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
Heh, good one!
[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
SAServo [as Noel]
[in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
NNoel
In due time, you'll know everything.
Well, maybe then it's too late!
Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]
MAMike [as Natalie]
Paul, you is a wahrwilf!
[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
So it all comes to this?
SAServo [as Natalie]
The... thing that it comes to?
You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
CACrow [as Yuri]
Yes, we is.
But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
SAServo [as Natalie]
You is a jerk!
[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]
CCrow
Chubby Ramone!
[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]
SSam
Werewolf?
CACrow [as Paul]
No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...
[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]
CCrow
Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]
Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!
Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
CCrow
Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
CCrow
Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
CCrow
And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
CCrow
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
We were merely freshmen!
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk!
[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]
I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts...
[Looking at the back of her cereal box] Brain Guy.
Yeah. [Summons a cannon which points at Mike]
Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again?
[Still reading the back of her cereal box] "Werewolf".
"Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you?
[Still reading the back of his cereal box] No.
Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... [Hastily climbs back up the ladder]
[Over a shot of the moon]
SAServo [as moon]
Oh, I ate too much - I am a full moon!
I am gonna hit you so hard...
[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]
CCrow
It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore.
[holding a rag to his head] Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches!
CCrow
Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- [notices Mike's new features] hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man!
Really?
CCrow
Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god!
[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]
Wha- what?!
Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head!
[Mike does so] So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. [voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow] Hey! Wait a minute!
CCrow
Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence.
Blech! Don't say essence!
Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm...
CCrow
[choruses with Mike] Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said!
Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW!
CCrow
Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel?
Well I feel thin...
CCrow
Uh-huh.
...I have an intense love for bacon...
CCrow
Oh yeah!
...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet.
CCrow
Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great!
Man, I love us!
CCrow
Yeah, me too!
[disgusted] If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! [leaves]
Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect?
CCrow
Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so...
Okay, good.
CCrow
You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC-
Already have!
CCrow
Great! [Commercial sign starts] Oop. [choruses with Mike] Well be right back!
Haha! What else?
CCrow
Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines.
Ooh, good point! [chuckles]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.