[(Servo has been outfitted with gadgets and thermometers all over his body. Most noticeable are the anemometer and weather vane atop his dome.]
So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again?
Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU!
You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that.
Servo, you're gonna die in space.
GGypsy
Crow! He might not.
That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! [gets raised]
[whispering]Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite.
[whispering] I know, just send the poor dope out to space.
Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen] Boy! [audibly shivering throughout forecast] It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold?
Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine!
Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay?
Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here!
I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! [Servo suddenly screams loud and long]
Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! [Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]
GGypsy
Servo, are you all right?
Servo, buddy, speak to me!
Well, [coughs] I'm not cold anymore. [coughs]
I better start fixin' you up.
Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that?
NO! You can't. You cannot do that.
I wanna do that, I'm doing that next.
Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha!
[Mike, Crow, and Servo are playing around.]
GGypsy
This is not a gymnasium!
Aw, come on, Gyps, it’s fun when it’s fun!
GGypsy
Yeah, it’s fun until somebody dies!
[After Mike throws Servo into the air, he's stuck in the rafters.]
Come on, Tom, just drop, I'll catch ya.
Don't be ridiculous. Come on.
[Servo falls... right behind Mike.]
GGypsy
We can't have nice things, can we?
Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.
(Noticing the Mads' light) Oh, it'll have to wait! The dual airbags are calling!
[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
GGypsy
Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
GGypsy
Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
GGypsy
Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow.
I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You.
Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you,
GGypsy
And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict.
Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right.
Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right!
Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue.
A spitting contest! :[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]
GGypsy
Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey!
You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind.
Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame?
Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?
GGypsy
Which begs the question of free will. What about free will?
Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?
Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?
You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow?
Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order--
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
GGypsy
Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.
Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay.
GGypsy
Really?... FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD! I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!
Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy?
[wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup] Ah, would you like some soup?
Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- [realizes it's Crow] Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! [Crow leaves quickly] All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be?
Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts?
GGypsy
So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?
Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.
[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax] Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.
We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! [Takes the cloth off of Servo]
Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?
GGypsy
Should we listen? We're shunning him.
GGypsy
Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.
: If it pleases the court?
[hammering with a gavel] It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! [lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]
: As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.
GGypsy
You know, it's really true.
Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.
GGypsy
Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? [Mike hushes her up]
If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--
GGypsy
[getting agitated] He copied my whole paper--
...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.
Can we just kill him now??
Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--
GGypsy
HE STOLE MY FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!
DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN!
And I forgive myself. Thank you. [lights come up] I await your verdict.
Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.
Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.
The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! [Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.[The 'Bots cheer.]
I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry!
[while the crew indulges in a coffee shop setting scenario, trying to avoid coming off as pretentious] It's definitely not working. ... [in a snobby tone] I've been recording my life in pastel!
The only question worth asking is "What am I going through right now?".
GGypsy
[as a in-house guitarist, towards Mike] You- the white male- are my personal oppressor. Oh my!
Yes, she is so great! I saw her one-woman show; her soul cried out to me.
GGypsy
So I'll take my rage, and box it up, and take it out with the trash!
Thanks a lot, Dr. Forrester; see what you've done? You turned my friends into a bunch of self-absorbed poseurs!
GGypsy
A white male middle-class power holder would say that, Mike!
[Servo has appeared to have Gypsy devour him, and Crow is halfway inside her mouth]
Okay, buddy. Slide right down!
Crow! What in the world are you doing?! [Mike pulls Crow out of Gypsy's mouth]
Hey, hey! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! OW! Right on my hip!
GGypsy
Thanks, Mike. I hope you don't think that was my idea.
No, I think I know whose idea it was. [peeks inside Gypsy's mouth] Hey, Tom!
Hey, Mike! See if you can get her to swallow you. It's really neat!
GGypsy
[embarrassed] Oh, This is so embarrassing... I don't look fat, do I?...
No, Gypsy. You don't look fat. You're a little lumpy, maybe, but not fat.
GGypsy
Oh, this is embarrassing...
Come on! Hop in and experience the alimentary canal in action. It's the ultimate trip!
Uh, no thanks. I think I'll pass. Anyway, we got letters to read here.
GGypsy
You know, Mike, I don't feel very well all of the sudden. I think I'm getting allergic to Tom...
GGypsy
I think I'll go get a tissue... [slowly slithers away]
[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]
Crow : [horrified] WHOA, WHOA!!! [Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]
Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man!
GGypsy
[horrified] I FEEL ILL!!! [Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]
I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head!
Ha ha ha ha... GET HIM! [Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]
[Mike and Crow are reenacting the gas station hold-up from movie, confusing Tom and Gypsy.]
GGypsy
Oh, what are they doin'?
I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie.
[Crow and Mike stand very still, not moving. Gypsy yawns]
GGypsy
Was it exciting in the movie?
GGypsy
Well, was it funny?
GGypsy
Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
