[during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]
[to Crow] Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you.
Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia?
Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis?
Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go?
No, I'm afraid it's far worse than that.
Please, Doc, tell me what it is!
Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt!
[crying] I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame!
You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood.
[enters as a nurse] You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- [to Crow] Hey; nice butt!
[Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]
I can comfort you, I can-
JoelWhat's going on here?
Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator!
Joel
No, I'm not!
Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia!
Joel
You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. [Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music] Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! [unplugs Cambot in irritation] Who's next?!
[Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]
WSWinky's Mom
[after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house] Winky! Telephone!
WWinky
[flustered] Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over!
[shocked] Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?!
[after Joel cuts the communication from Winky] You think we were a little too hard on him?
Joel
Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do.
[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]
VVi
Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
VVi
Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
SAServo [as Tom Stewart]
What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
VVi
Save me, Tom, please!
Joel
Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.
[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]
SSandy
She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Joel
Put her down, Jerry Lee!
[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]
Joel
Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad.
VVi
[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer] I told you already- no-one will ever have you but me!
VVi
Try me... [starts shouting] TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME!
Joel
[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody!
[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in!
[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]
Joel
[as Tom] Let's go bowling. [drops the sack down the steps of their building]
[as Vi, tumbling down the steps] T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e!
[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]
Joel
It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace!
Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir!
[crying] Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... Neil Young!
Joel
[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him] My achin' noggin...
Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins!
Joel
Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning!
Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse!
Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there.
Enough, you three! Freebie and the Bean are calling.
[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]
Joel
[reading] Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is dickweed a swear word?
JSJoel/Servo
[at the same time] No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no.
Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed."
[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]
CACrow [as Mooney]
Where'd she go man, where'd she go?!
Joel
Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy!
CACrow [as Mooney]
I did it for you, Eddie!
Joel
Oh great, he's on moon mode again...
CACrow [as Mooney]
That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you!
That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of.
CACrow [as Mooney]
That's it, That's it! [Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]
[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]
Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel
Oh… why?
Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
. . .
[An example of Crow Syndrome.]
Joel
Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say -- does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!"
Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say -- check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right?
Joel
Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!
Joel
[suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!"
Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!"
Joel
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock--"
Joel
Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.
[Timmy mutters something else into Crow's ear.]
H-here's one! "A grinder in der--"
Joel
Ah, Crow! No!
Oh. Well, I'm not sayin' it -- it's, it's Timmy who's sayin' it.
Joel
Well, listen, I think you better learn how to play with each other, all right?
[suggestively] Say, Joel… we got Commercial Sign!
Joel
[suggestively] And now, a word from our sponsor. Poom!
She's built like a brick shi--
Joel
Crow!
[There is a scuffle as Servo battles Timmy after getting agitated by him]
Joel
Hey! Tom, what the hell? You didn't tell me that Tommy was in here!
Joel
He's not supposed to be in the theater, y'know!
Joel
All right, knock it off, there's no rough-housing in here!
I'm choking! I'm choking! I'm choking! Choking! Ahhh! H-He-Help! HE-MMMMPH!
{Servo's muffled sobs and cries of 'HMMMMMLPH!']
Joel, he's trying to kill Tom Servo!
Joel
You go out to the bridge, stay frosty! I've got a plan!
[Crow exits stage left; Joel stage right, which leads to...]
Oh! Ow! Now, that does it! Come here, you. [He lunges at Timmy]
Joel Robinson
Hey, Tom. What the hell? Hey, you didn't tell us Tommy was in here.
Joel
He's not supposed to be in the theater, you know. You knock it off! There's no roughhousing in here. I'm telling you.
I'm choking! I'm choking! Help! [Timmy gags him] Help! [Servo's muffled sobs for help continue]
Joel, I think Timmy is trying to kill Tom Servo!
Joel Robinson
Yeah, that's right. Go to the bridge. Stay frosty. I've got a plan, okay?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
