Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!

Joel

Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.

You're nothin'.

Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.

I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but--

Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!

TORCHAA!!

Where are you from Derek?

A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".

Joel

It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right?

[using the impersonation kit] I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not.

Joel

Or you can use it to scare your friends. [to Servo] Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-lance?

Servo

[using the kit] That- would be a decision for you to make. Choose wisely...

Servo

[reading over the cast names] James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem.

Joel

Sam Chew [Jr]?

Gesundheit.

Joel

Thank you.

Worthless.

Worthless?!

Yeah, your career, that is.

What do you mean worthless?!

I mean they're not precious.

You're precious.

They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man!

Well, who told you that? Some hustler in a swap meet?

I don't read Hustler.

Forget it! [takes the crystals back]

Servo

I'm gonna find those strawberries...

Clown!

Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower!

Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! [is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]

Oh, a priest? We love priests!

[seductively] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!

Oooh, I'm about to.

Servo

[over the credits] You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here.

Joel

Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy?

Servo

Worse (than that), worse.

What about Sidehackers?

Servo

Worse.

Joel

Cave Dwellers?

Servo

Worse.

Catalina Caper?

Servo

Worse.

Joel

Pod People?

Servo

Worse!

Hellcats?

Servo

Oh, worse.

Joel

Daddy-O?

Servo

Worse!

Rocket Attack USA?

Servo

Worse.

Joel

Earth vs. the Spider?

Servo

Definitely worse.

Ring of Terror?

Servo

Worse!

Joel

It Conquered the World?

Servo

Uh... yeah, worse!

Joel

The Manchingo Coniglium?

Servo

[uncertain] Oh, huh?

Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better!

Servo

[This movie]'s a ton worse.

How about The Castle of Fu Manchu?

Servo

Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

Joel

Y'know, putting all the different fun things in one room eventually leaves you feeling kinda hollow, doesn't it?

Servo

[while the holo-clowns look at the group] What are you lookin' at?!

Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?

Servo

Yes, about a kajillion times!

Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?

Joel

Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!

[to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?

[to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

Servo

Oh, Mommy!

Honey West!

Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

Junior Rodeo Daredevils.

Smothered in gravy--Texas style!

Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.

All nine of 'em.

And the crowd goes wild!

[dully] Yay.