Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
MAMike [as Narrator]
…than having a personality.
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
MAMike [as Narrator]
Do you? DO YOU?
And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
MAMike [as Narrator]
WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
SAServo [as Narrator]
...and control and repression.
[As the short ends]
CCrow
You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!
SAServo [as Announcer]
Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!
Mike[waves goodbye] Bye-bye, everyone.
CCrow
A Simmel-Mervay release.
Invasion USA (movie)
[Over the opening credits...]
MikeStarring these people and Chuck Norris.
. . .
[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]
CCrow
What, me direct?
[about her work at the blood bank] We set a record today.
You set a record with me a long time ago.
MAMike [as Vince]
God, I'm smooth.
[Over a wide shot of the living room]
MikeThey live in a doll house!
CCrow
You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.
[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]
MAMike [as Jeff]
What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
One of 32 short films about... this guy.
CACrow [as Jeff]
Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
MAMike [as Jeff]
Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Mickey Rourke came over to help.
MMary
No inspiration, darling?
JJeff
I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
CACrow [as Mary]
Why would you wanna write him?
MMary
[singing] I wish I had a castle in the sky...
Mike[angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!
MMary
[singing] Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...
SAServo [as Mary]
[singing] I wish I could have sex with Louis Nye...
MMary
[singing] A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...
CACrow [as Mary]
[singing] I wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore...
. . .
MMary
[singing] I wish my living room were all redone...
MAMike [as Mary]
[singing] I think owning a newspaper would be fun...
MMary
[singing]: I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...
CCrow
AIM HIGH, SISTER!
[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]
SAServo [as Mary]
Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
MMary
[singing] I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
MAMike [as the fridge]
Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
CACrow [as announcer]
Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
MMary
[singing] I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
CCrow
[in a Australian accent] Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!
[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]
MikeThat's about as sexy as a garage.
. . .
CCrow
One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
. . .
SAServo [as Mary]
Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
. . .
Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?
[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]
[singing] Money...
JJeff
Wait a minute, do that again!
MAMike [as Jeff]
Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
JJeff
Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
SAServo [as Jeff]
I'll call someone to write the song!
[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]
CCrow
Welcome to Shakey's!
[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]
Mike[gasps] Elton John was here!
[As the short ends]
MAMike [as announcer]
The following scene contains graphic sexual content.
Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?
Night of the Blood Beast (movie)
[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]
WDr. Wyman
No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
MAMike [as Wyman]
Well, let's give him more time to die.
WDr. Wyman
I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long.
MAMike [as Wyman]
And I love it!
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