[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]
Ah, how many times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex!
“Night of the Bloodbeast”
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (19), Mike Nelson (17), Tom Servo (15), Mary (3), Jeff (2), Steve (1)
[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]
CCrow
[singing] Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]
CACrow [as Ricky Ricardo]
Lucy, I'm dead!
[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]
Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!
[Over a wide shot of the living room]
They live in a doll house!
CCrow
You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.
[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]
MAMike [as Jeff]
What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
One of 32 short films about... this guy.
CACrow [as Jeff]
Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
MAMike [as Jeff]
Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Mickey Rourke came over to help.
MMary
No inspiration, darling?
JJeff
I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
CACrow [as Mary]
Why would you wanna write him?
MMary
[singing] I wish I had a castle in the sky...
[angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!
MMary
[singing] Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...
SAServo [as Mary]
[singing] I wish I could have sex with Louis Nye...
MMary
[singing] A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...
CACrow [as Mary]
[singing] I wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore...
. . .
MMary
[singing] I wish my living room were all redone...
MAMike [as Mary]
[singing] I think owning a newspaper would be fun...
MMary
[singing]: I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...
CCrow
AIM HIGH, SISTER!
[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]
SAServo [as Mary]
Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
MMary
[singing] I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
MAMike [as the fridge]
Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
CACrow [as announcer]
Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
MMary
[singing] I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
CCrow
[in a Australian accent] Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!
[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]
Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell!
[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]
[unimpressed] Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...
[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]
That's about as sexy as a garage.
. . .
CCrow
One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
. . .
SAServo [as Mary]
Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
. . .
Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?
CACrow [as Jeff]
Here's how far I've gotten: LA!
[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]
CACrow [as Male Neighbor]
Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
SAServo [as Female Neighbor]
Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?
[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]
[singing] Money...
JJeff
Wait a minute, do that again!
MAMike [as Jeff]
Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
JJeff
Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
SAServo [as Jeff]
I'll call someone to write the song!
[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]
[singing along] Everybody was... kung fu fighting, yeah!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.