[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]
Mike[dramatically] Of a man named Jed!
SAServo [as Granny Clampett]
JEDDDDD!!!
S10 Squirm
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Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
Mike[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]
RRoger
You gonna be da worm face!
MikeNo, you gonna be da worm face!
S10 Squirm
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[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]
MMama
Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
MAMike [as Geri]
Mom, you don't even have a butt.
MMama
I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
CACrow [as Geri]
Mother! That's private.
S10 Squirm
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[As the movie is ending]
Please, folks, remember to worm your dog.
MikeAnd if you do start a worm farm, do not raise flesh-eating intelligent millipedes by mistake.
CCrow
And if you have red hair, do not mate.
S10 Squirm (movie)
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MikeHey, how's it going?
DDebbie
[wearing stereotypical Native American apparel] Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits.
SAServo [as Debbie]
They say this is very insensitive.
Mike[wearing sunglasses] Eric!
Hey, nice sunglasses.
[cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go?
MikeGet ready!
[the sunglasses are suddenly back on Mike's face]
Hey, nice sunglasses.
[Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go?
The Woody Allen story!
MikeHey, I like my family, as a friend!
The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
MAMike [as Narrator]
So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.
[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]
Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
MAMike [as Narrator]
He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.
[as the boys talk with their dad]
MAMike [as Junior]
Father, I had a feeling today.
SAServo [as Father]
Well don't, son.
[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]
Brother seats Junior...
CACrow [as Narrator]
Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
MAMike [as Narrator]
The less said about this, the better.
. . .
CACrow [as Narrator]
Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...
[As Father begins passing food.]
[in a British accent] Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...
[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]
They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
MAMike [as Daughter]
No, I-- I'll just have Saltines.
I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
CACrow [as Narrator]
Emotions are for ethnic people.
Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
SAServo [as Narrator]
I can't stress "unemotional" enough.
Father serves Mother first, then Daughter.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Let's go to the flowchart for this.
. . .
CACrow [as Narrator]
And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.
No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
MAMike [as Narrator]
THIS MEANS YOU!
Always wait for the hostess...
SAServo [as Narrator]
to seat you.
...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!
Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is.
MAMike [as Narrator]
...even as you gag on it.
[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]
SAServo [as Brother]
It stinks!
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.