A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]
MikeOh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again.
. . .
Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie?
. . .
It's a jerk and pony marathon.
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Mike, you're a human being. How come you don't have a body like that?
. . .
The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne.
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MikeEd Grimley choreographed this dance.
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Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him?
[Over a shot of the diner showing the word "EAT"]
They forgot the "ME".
MikeAh, the nights we lingered over brandy at "Eat".
Don't get smart with me!
I'm not getting smart!
I can't!
Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of Nepalese money.
From the land of Nipples!
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[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]
Your money's from Senegal!
. . .
[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]
Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
Ah, here's some Guatemalan quetzal.
Will this be cash or charge?
Cash.
[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]
On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun!
Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man.
. . .
[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]
Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!
[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]
I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. [Points to Buz.]
MikeBoy?!
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Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. [Pulls Buz aside.]
I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
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Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!
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[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]
I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.
[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]
Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
. . .
Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy!
Well, what do you expect, he's only a child!
[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]
MikeHey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad.
[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"] Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...
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[We see a billboard for Doctor Dolittle starring Rex Harrison.]
MikeDoctor Dolittle? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy.
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I think someone slipped us their vacation videos.
Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet.
MikeAn 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.!
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[singing along with the music] Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,
The Zodiac killer's at large,
Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,
And Santa Claus is on his way!
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[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]
Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House!
[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]
Honey? You okay down there?
Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!
[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Don't I get a kiss?
You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
MikeSo, she threatened him with sex?
[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]
MikeWhy, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!
It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit.
[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]
Heed my words....
...munch my shorts....
[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]
Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!
Clapton?
I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
Mike[laughs] Why?
[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]
Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
...you fine!
[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey] Why do I have to deal with it alone?
Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense!
Wake up!
The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, literally!
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits-
[seemingly agitated] Get that toy out of your house!
You idiot!
I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do.
[Adrianne gives David a medallion]
You want some peanuts?
What's that?
It's called a bethogram.
I sense the demon's name is Beth.
This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh?
Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times.
Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too?
My God, David!
You moron!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come-
I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own!
Damn it!
And remember David, NEVER let it know!
You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!!
[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]
Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
MikeEh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
