A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]
He's a Cute-a-saurus!
[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]
He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.
[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]
Mike[laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]
Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!
[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]
MikeBoxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
MikeMaybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
. . .
[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]
He's boxed in!
MikeYeah, well, I'm card-bored.
Hey, how did you know who I was?
Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
MikeFred Burrows?
Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.
This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.
MikeYeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.
[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]
MikeHuh??
The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second!
[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]
DRIIIIIVE!
MikeSUUUUURGE!
DRIIIIIIIIVE!
Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.
[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her jumpsuit.]
Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?
MikeHmmm...
[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]
[excited] Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? Catfish Hunter, that's who! Ha ha ha!
Mike[unimpressed] Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.
Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.
[deflated] Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.
MikeBut it only works if you get the correct, current name.
[disappointed] So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...
. . .
MikeTom, are... are you sulking?
[angrily] No!
MikeYes you are, look--look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...
No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...
MikeSsshh! He's suffered enough.
[Over a walkie-talkie.] Tanya, do you read?
Third grade level!
[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]
Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Like Wahoo McDaniel.
It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
Oh! Is he seeing anyone?
[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]
I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.
Dozens! No, hundreds of antiseptics!
Your place?
Yeah, my place.
MikeI call it "Antiseptic Manor."
Fine. Your place, then.
[Thunder rumbles.]
Not his place! Fornicators!
[Paul rises after fainting.]
I guess I blacked out.
MikeUm, excuse me, you African-Americaned out.
[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.]
MikeHe sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
Maybe he has a trampoline in there.
. . .
[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]
Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?
[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]
I see... a huge casino!
MikeOh, come on.
[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palmero to Italy.]
Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
That's hard to do!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
