A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[As the Puma Man theme plays, Tony prepares to teleport to his friend Matthew while he's driving a fire truck.]
I'm in the fire truck for USA Up All Night.
Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio.
I keep dreaming of a little man in a tiny car.
[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]
You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man!
PU-ma Man!
MikeOh, is that right? Dee-onald?
You're just a small... insignificant... human being!
No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait.
[Everyone sings along with the Puma Man theme while Vadinho and Puma Man fight Kobras' henchmen.]
MikeDick's Red Owl, selection and service...
Snyder Drug, we're busting up prices...
When you want the flavor of bacon in a dip...
How did Marian die?
Didn't Eric tell you?
He sat on her head.
I think the subject's rather painful to him. I'd like to make him talk about it...
Let's just say she was riddled with bullets.
Would you mind telling me? I'd like to know.
... It was a rainy day...
And he shot her.
She and Mickey had been working up there in the greenhouse. She left him to go back to the house for a few minutes...
Then a lion jumped out and shot her. At least, that's what Eric said.
The way we pieced it together after the accident is that...
Servo [as Snow] She got shot.
...while she was coming down this path, apparently it began to rain very hard.
Then she got dead.
She must have run along here... we don't know of course what happened then...
We should have called the police.
Perhaps she slipped on a leaf. The base of her skull was smashed.
Anyway, how are you?
[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]
Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash!
[singing to "I Walk the Line"] Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit.
[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to 60 Minutes.]
I'm Ed Bradley...
MikeI'm Steve Kroft...
I'm Lesley Stahl...
[some jokes about Brad's car]
Ugh, that car must reek of Arby's!
. . .
MikeI'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of Marlboro Lights and Hardee's out of the upholstery!
[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]
Karen!
Sorry! Love is lifting me up where I belong!
. . .
[Natalie stomps in frustration.]
The lace on my skate broke!
. . .
[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]
Jeff Gillooly did it!
[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]
MikeShe's survived by her Danskins.
. . .
[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]
Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you!
[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]
Thanks!
[The woman laughs it off.]
I just got assaulted, it's fun!
[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]
My mom! He's done something to my mom!
No, no--your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
What?
Hey, look--you wrote this crap!
I'll have ten Hershey bars.
Tin Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
That'll be one dollar.
I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
Can you cash a hundred?
I've never even seen one!
Fifty?
[Michelle shakes her head "no."]
Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.
[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]
I'm back!
...
Anybody notice that I'm here now?
...
C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!
[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]
[politely] Excuse me, young man--can I get a "fix"?
[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]
No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"
[A series of signs that read: HELP! on the way to first assignment future soldier and war-bride honeymooning ]
Oh, so he learns he enjoys violence, and be ready to kill like, a man ought a.
. . .
[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]
Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
MikeSo here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
. . .
She's dancing the specials at T.G.I. Friday's.
Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the Jack Daniel's grill.
. . .
[singing] But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
[singing] You're living a lie.
[singing] You gotta come down.
[singing] You dance like a clown.
[singing] By and by.
[singing] I hope that you die!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
