Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

He's got Kirk.

Kirk is not the answer anymore.

Servo

Picard?

Alex...

Servo

I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200.

...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through.

What stage of grief is chimp-play?

But we're broke...

Your Beanie Baby obsession destroyed us.

And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you.

Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really.

Servo

Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car!

Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.

Servo

Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?!

Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's a girl in a car, but is she the girl in the car?

Police cars don't work on grass!

Servo

Unless you got powuh! [laughs goofily]

Breaker, breaker, we got a Carnival Magic in progress.

Uh, Carnival Magic? What's that?

That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks.

Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters.

Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it, thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended.

Yeah, exactly. Carnival Magic.

It's as if he's willing himself to die.

We'll have what he's having!

Oh, More Carnival Magic? No!

Servo

Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of Carnival Magic sequels, though when More Carnival Magic finally came out, it was titled 2 Magic 2 Carnival.

Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, Carnival Magic 3: Return of the Girl in the Car.

Servo

Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the prequels. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp.

And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats.

Servo

They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company.

Oh yeah, the whole Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe. At that point, the whole Carnival Magic movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the Carnival Magic toy lines.

Servo

But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with Carnival Magic Begins and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place.

I had no idea there were so many of these movies.

Servo

Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio?

And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane.

Servo

True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency."

"All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors."

Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic.

Servo

Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful.

They tried a couple of disaster movies- Tornado, and The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out.

Servo

And of course the romantic comedies Van Rockers, and Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat.

I kind of liked the action movies he did: Maximum Towage.

Servo

Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension.

Guys, were any of these movies real?

Servo

Of course not, Jonah!

I don't even think Carnival Magic was real, and we just watched it!

That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now?

I must be seeing things.

Charles Darwin?

Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus.

Are you saying I'm fat?!

I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing.

That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face!

I'm off the clock.

When's the rent due, Santa?

Christmas Eve at midnight.

Doesn't leave you much time, does it?

That's why I came all the way down here to find you.

Why me? I'm nobody special.

Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter.

So did a million other children.

That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the only child who wrote me a letter after Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's.

Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you!

How much do you owe, Santa?

Oh no, I couldn't...

Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much?

[handing him a piece of paper] Well, here's the rent bill.

This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it.

800 candy canes a day???

[perplexed] That much...?

You're gonna need one hell of a GoFundMe page!

Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills.

Servo

A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic.

Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune!

Servo

The T stands for "the"?

That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?!

[dramatic gasp]

I object!

Objection overruled!

Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?!

Why? Why? [a passerby walks by] Merry Christmas!

Please, please sir, you'll catch cold!

Merry Christmas!

I think you mean "Happy Holidays".

The Blue Man Group as you've never seen them before: brown!

[coughing] No, go on and do the movie without me, please...

They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys!

This is like if humanity had evolved from Pinky and the Brain.

Mike

Hey, how's it going?

[wearing stereotypical Native American apparel] Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits.

They say this is very insensitive.

Servo

Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill.

Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver!

Somebody killed Janet Leigh!

Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from Howard the Duck.