Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[when the bride wakes him up] Huh. I must have dozed.

Servo

This is all part of his elaborate love play.

Boy, I’m really tired tonight.

You can sleep afterward.

After what, Jonah?

D- Don’t worry about it.

Okay.

You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear?

That’s not what I’m into.

I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed.

No.

Yes..

That happens whenever I get married.

Servo

“Whenever???”

Hey, sweetheart...

Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now?

Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us.

I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going!

Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in?

You got here a bit too late.

He's dead. Movie's over.

They're going to hit Yongary any minute.

We're just waiting for the shockwave.

They'll be using guided missiles.

Sergeant Loose Lips right here.

You better go.

Um, we're not going.

They're going to hit Yongary any minute.

Did they hit a glitch in the Matrix?

They'll be using guided missiles.

Go. I'm out of dialogue!

You better go.

Missiles? Really?

Servo

Yeah! Any minute!

James Horner?!

Ah, yes. Braveheart, Aliens, Avatar, and this movie.

Servo

Yeah, when Cameron was scoring Titanic, he said, "I want that Wizards of the Lost Kingdom sound."

Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most.

That's not a plan.

But I can't.

Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you.

And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat.

I just realized why they called it a suicide cave!

Why's that?

Because I want to kill myself!

I'm depressed...

Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just dying to get in here. [evil laugh]

Watch out for the stalag-fright! [cackles]

Be careful so you don't go batty! [wicked laugh]

Here, let me give you a... hand!

Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions.

Oooh! A crematorium! [wicked laughing]

Oof!

Servo

Ow!

Servo

So how come wizards have such terrible aim?

Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements.

Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet.

Servo

Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better.

Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad.

[as the credits begin rolling] Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom.

Servo

[laughs sarcastically] You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists.

Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad.

Servo

Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs.

Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition.

I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king?

Servo

Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion.

Servo

Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides.

And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew.

Servo

[sighs] A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same.

You guys are making me feel sick.

Servo

It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it.

She's beautiful, master! So delicate!

She's her own bouncer!

So strong!

Time to go, Tyor.

But, master!

Time to go, Tyor!

But, master!

Time to go, Tyor!!!

Isn't the arts part of my education?

Absolutely not!

The state cut arts funding!

You will no longer breathe the air of a free man.

Servo

Robert Blake in Lost Highway.

By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone!

He's making all this up as he goes along.

Oomen, kauai, tenk!

Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of Caroline in the City.

Alright, take him to Jabba.

Now his garden is complete.

YEEEAAAH!!! CSI: Miami!

Prepare for my overhand! [attack is blocked]

Or how about my overhand! [attack is blocked again]

No? Well try my OVERHAND! [blocked again]

OVERHAND! [blocked] OVERHAND! [blocked]

You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— [bandit uses the same attack again] PSYCH! Overhand! [blocked again]

[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja] If I take you with me, what do I get?

[seductively] Anything.

Can I keep these cool rubber snakes?

That's what I was afraid of.

The band is illustrating my sexual confusion.

Servo

Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you!

Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh.

Servo

Carnival Man.

Carnival Magnum, P.I.

Servo

Off the O. Henry story.

Oh, Carnival Magi- oh, Carnival Magic, I knew it the whole time, guys.

Now stop playing this is serious.

Servo

I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.

I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing.

Servo

When you're right, you're right.

This isn't the first time it's happened, you know.

Servo

We agreed not to talk about that.

You just... you just won't be quiet, you think everyone's your friend because you trust so much.

Servo

I blame Facebook.

We can try to stay clear of people, but...

Servo

They're everywhere, right?

... in time, they'll come into our lives and nothing will ever be the same again.

Servo

You mean when we ride the comet?

You know, I need time to myself too, you know.

Servo

Of course, master. Forgive me.

But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster.

Servo

Again, let me apologize, I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry.

People are suspicious of things they don't understand.

Servo

Right, like the thing with the chicken.

And that's why I'm hiding you.

Servo

That makes sense, master. Let me go prepare your chamber.

But it's very hard to keep the world out.

Servo

I understand. We're all waiting for the day of the great translargement. It's going to be glorious. [returns to his seat]

What was that all about?

Servo

Hell if I know.