A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,660 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (818), Mike Nelson (376), Joel Robinson (271)
[The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again.
. . .
Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie?
. . .
It's a jerk and pony marathon.
. . .
Mike, you're a human being. How come you don't have a body like that?
. . .
The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne.
. . .
Ed Grimley choreographed this dance.
. . .
Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him?
Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of Nepalese money.
From the land of Nipples!
. . .
[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]
Your money's from Senegal!
. . .
[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]
Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
Ah, here's some Guatemalan quetzal.
Will this be cash or charge?
Cash.
[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]
On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun!
Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man.
. . .
[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]
Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!
[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]
I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. [Points to Buz.]
Boy?!
. . .
Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. [Pulls Buz aside.]
I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
. . .
Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!
. . .
[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]
I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.
[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]
Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
. . .
Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy!
Well, what do you expect, he's only a child!
[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]
Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad.
[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"] Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...
. . .
[We see a billboard for Doctor Dolittle starring Rex Harrison.]
Doctor Dolittle? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy.
. . .
I think someone slipped us their vacation videos.
Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet.
An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.!
. . .
[singing along with the music] Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,
The Zodiac killer's at large,
Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,
And Santa Claus is on his way!
. . .
[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]
Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House!
[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]
Uh-oh!
We better eat all the ice cream!
[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]
You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
My cheek-lines disagree.
[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey] Why do I have to deal with it alone?
Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense!
Wake up!
The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, literally!
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits-
[seemingly agitated] Get that toy out of your house!
You idiot!
I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do.
[Adrianne gives David a medallion]
You want some peanuts?
What's that?
It's called a bethogram.
I sense the demon's name is Beth.
This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh?
Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times.
Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too?
My God, David!
You moron!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come-
I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own!
Damn it!
And remember David, NEVER let it know!
You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!!
No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!
[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]
Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.
[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]
He's a Cute-a-saurus!
[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]
He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.
[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]
[laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]
Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!
[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]
Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
. . .
[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]
He's boxed in!
Yeah, well, I'm card-bored.
Everything he wanted was everything I needed...
So neither of us actually got anything.
[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]
DRIIIIIVE!
SUUUUURGE!
DRIIIIIIIIVE!
Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.
[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the walking catfish moves.]
Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
...like Courtney Love.
Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.