[to Mike] Have you seen Crow?
Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing.
Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about...
CTCrow T. Robot
[offscreen] DEBBIE!!
Debbie, right; that's it.
CCrow
[offscreen] Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! [punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]
[wincing] Oh, please, say that was a lamp!
Uh, it was probably just a lamp.
CCrow
[crying] Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie!
He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in!
CCrow
I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care!
Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie.
CCrow
[sobbing] I don't care! Debbie! Let me go!
[also sobbing] My windoooowww!
[some time later]
Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful?
CCrow
I think I like the Debbie one better.
[to the other robots] You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge.
CCrow
[as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show] Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards!
[as Vorelli] Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips!
[audience continues applauding] Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act!
[Vorelli leaves the stage with Hugo and his assistant]
CCrow
[as Hugo] That sucked! Even I didn't believe I was talking!
[the camera zooms in on Vorelli's face and the color inverts as it focuses on his eyes]
[of Vorelli] A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face.
[to the volunteer] You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets.
The Manchurian Ventriloquist!
I want you to imagine you are in his place.
CCrow
[sighs] Why so negative?
CCrow
[as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation] Should we really call this the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"?
AAll
[as crowd] Hooray; more!
[Vorelli snaps his fingers to break the volunteer out of his tense stupor]
[as Vorelli] Hey; pay attention!
CCrow
[as crowd claps] Ha ha; we love your cruelty!
[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]
Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight?
Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing.
Simply that you are laughing while I am talking.
And what's wrong with that?
Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny.
Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then.
[as Vorelli] Min-wax, Hugo?
[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine] Give me some wine. I want some wine.
CTCrow T. Robot
[as Vorelli] Spodie-odie?
I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
[as Hugo] All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
CCrow
[as the audience claps] The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back!
[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]
This time- Hugo- you are going to die.
CCrow
[as Mercedes] At this point, t'ere were some warning signs...
[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of Hitler being blown up]
CCrow
[royally confused] What the...?
They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
CCrow
All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
. . .
CCrow
Say, Mike--was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?
. . .
[Another spaceship begins to dive]
CCrow
What next? The Mussolini Mall?
Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!
[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]
CCrow
So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?
Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering] EAT IT, MOVIE!
[still ranting] TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR-- [begins sobbing]
[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]
That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud!
. . .
CCrow
They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
. . .
[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]
CACrow [as Space Chief]
Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more!
[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]
CCrow
It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."
Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
CCrow
Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.
CCrow
The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!
There's a volume for the letter epsilon.
CCrow
There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.
[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]
MMacPhearson
Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
MMacPhearson
Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.
CEChief Engineer
Then let him do so alone.
EPEngineer Parsons
This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.
CACrow [as Parsons]
I just have to wet myself first.
MMacPhearson
Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
CEChief Engineer
We'll not allow that! No!
The easily led wise council.
[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]
EPEngineer Parsons
Let me go, traitors!
MAMike [as Parsons]
What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!
CCrow
Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!
Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.
CCrow
Death by snicker-snag!
[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]
I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!
SAServo [as MacPhearson]
Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."
MMacPhearson
Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?
I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!
MMacPhearson
Report to the enforcers' bridge.
Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!
[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]
. . .
RRyder
I had to eject! I had no other choice!
SAServo [as Lea]
That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice!
. . .
[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]
RRyder
Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.
It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
