[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]
Herve Villechaize's Death Car.
Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
CACrow [as Ryder]
Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
. . .
CACrow [as Kalgan]
We need both horsepowers on this thing!
. . .
[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]
MAMike [as Bodyguard]
I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!
[The Sting-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]
SAServo [as Devers]
[singing] De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...
[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]
[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]
CACrow [as Devers]
I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
. . .
[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]
I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
MAMike [as Devers]
Oh, I love that font!
. . .
It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
SAServo [as Cmdr. Jansen]
Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
. . .
[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]
MAMike [as Devers]
'Kay, look alive, everybod-- oh...sorry, Susan.
[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]
Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
CCrow
Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
CCrow
Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
[The music slows down to a power ballad style]
CCrow
Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
CCrow
Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
CCrow
Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
CCrow
You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!
[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]
CCrow
You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!
[After a while Mike sits up]
Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.
[Pause of a second]
Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
CCrow
No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! [sobbing]
[sobbing] It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
[sobbing] I'm sorry, Mike!
CCrow
[sobbing] Sorry, Mike!
It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.
[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]
SAServo [as dog]
[talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
CCrow
He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
[groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.
[The logo fades out]
[still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents--
[During the first scene in 2041]
[derisively] The, uh, future.
[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]
CCrow
So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
. . .
So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now...
. . .
[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]
Hey, look--a lesbian... of the future!
[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]
Food courts... of the future!
[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]
CCrow
27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
. . .
Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
CCrow
Oh, he's like poo, all right.
. . .
[as Nick climbs down the tree]
CCrow
He's climbing an Ent!
[in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]
CCrow
He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.
[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of Raul Julia's head inside a golden electronic cube]
This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
CCrow
It's a Raulbik's Cube!
Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
[The cube begins to fade away]
CCrow
Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
SAServo [as Raul Julia]
But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
