Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear] I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather!

[as Ivan] It's funny when you think about it!

Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask...

Servo

[as Father Mushroom] Do I crap in the woods?

...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; only yourself. You offended everyone else.

Heed these words, Mike.

Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings.

I hurt her feelings?!

You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice:

Mike

[as Father Mushroom] Shave!

[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond] And the Freelance Shame Squad is there!

Servo

It's a young Mike Nelson!

Mike

[offended] Hey!

Foul is fair, and fair is foul...

Servo

[as sled] Oink, ma'am.

What's that?

Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. [throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]

Servo

She left it in drive.

[calling out to Ivan, chuckling] Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me!

Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great!

Mike

[as Grandfather Frost] Eat lead, spring!

[as Grandfather Frost] I do frost, and I do it well.

We spit on your doorstep!

Servo

Ptui!

Ptui!

Please take me with you, please, please...

I'd like you to meet...

Uh, what's your name again?

Ivanushka, my fiance.

I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible.

Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... [shoves Frost to the ground] ...and make it quick!

[as Marfushka] You stuttering frosted freak!

H-help!

Servo

[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]

Mike

Universal, except for you, Ron.

You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.

Servo

Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.

Mike

Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.

And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.

Mike

Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?

Starring rejects from Harry-O.

Servo

If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.

Mike

Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!

Servo

Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.

Servo

Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

Ah, that gooey LA sky.

Mike

Birds? Nope. All dead.

Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.

"Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.

Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.

My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.

My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours--

Ugh-- Crow!

Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.

You said I was bad.

Mike

You inspired me.

Mike

Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.

Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts

Servo

Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.

Solid balsawood, baby!

This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.

Mike

The judo range?

Meet me at the karate rink later.

Judo range!

Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.

Gotta get into my judo bikini.

You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?

And hula hoops and dungarees?

Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!

I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

Are you coming, or do I swim alone?

Yes, and yes.