Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Joel

Easter Bunny films presents...

Servo

"Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.

Wonder if they sold this film door to door?

Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!

Servo

Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?

Stupid trees! God, I hate them.

Joel

Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.

Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.

Servo

The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!

Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.

They make it sound so nice!

A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.

The carrots are washed first.

They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!

Some carrots are frozen.

Some carrots are humiliated publicly.

Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...

Texans.

The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.

Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

[singing] Are you happy...

Define "happy!"

...In your work...

Joel

Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...

If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!

I accuse her hair!

Servo

The human body in all its many shapes and sizes is a wonder to behold! Today I emerge from my metal chrysalis... I am no longer Tom Servo- mere robot; I am now Tom Servo- real live boy! Ah-ha! Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what Tommy boy's made of!

Joel

Really, huh? I knew this was gonna happen someday- you've come down with Pinocchio Syndrome!

Servo

Nonsense! It has always been my dream to be a real live boy; and now, I am that very thing.

Joel

Why? There's millions of real live boys on Earth; [but] there's only one Tom Servo!

Servo

I want to run and jump and skin my knees!

You don't have any legs.

Servo

I- I wanna catch frogs down by the ol' swimming hole.

Your arms don't even work.

Servo

[starting to become forlorn] I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings!

[bluntly] You'll get beat up, because you're a freak.

Servo

[sorrowfully, as Joel comforts him] Oh; now I know I'm a real life boy- I can feel my heart breaking.

Oh, hey!

The Jaws of Life, Frank! Get the Jaws of Life!

[offers the dancer his slice of cake] Cake?

[watching the scene unfold back on the Satellite] ...Oh, it's beefcake!

Sorry we missed you, Joel. We almost came this close to losing-

Rodney.

Right! Almost lost Rodney. I apologize for all of this; I'd like to make it worth your while. [offers him tip money, while Rodney starts a strip-tease dance] No thank you, it's fine. You've done enough.

Joel

Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project?

Mm-hmm.

Tom Servo

Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh?

Joel

Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... .

Servo

Huh.

That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww!

Ooh!

I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path!

Ahh... .

Joel

Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache?

Uh... .I dunno.

Joel

Okay, let's see here. [writes] "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this?

Servo

Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass.

Joel

Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom?

Servo

I dunno.

Joel

Okay, let's see... . [writes] "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." [aside whisper] Man should be in a straitjacket! [addresses Gypsy] Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one?

Joel

Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God?

I dunno.

Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?

Joel

Um... .I don't know.

Joel

I'm kidding, of course.

Joel

We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know.

Servo

[sing-song, about Jimmy's whole decision process in the movie] Jim's crazy-

And stupid.

Servo

-crazy for accusing his par~ents!

Joel

[singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!

[singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!

Tom Servo

[singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!

Servo

The Girl in Lover's Lane...

With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne!