[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the crime lab examining the finger]
FTForensic Technician
Are you ready?
Captain Leland StottlemeyerYeah.
FTForensic Technician
It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
[disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.
[Monk uses a set of tongs to grab the finger and holds it parallel to his left hand]
FTForensic Technician
That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]
No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.
Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Who plays the violin.
Should I put a list together?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.
FTForensic Technician
It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.
Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.
I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professionals.
So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.
[Randy tells Stottlemeyer about the murder he "witnessed"]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You saw it?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You were sedated? Randy, one time I was under anesthesia, I thought my mustache was a chipmunk!
PDetective Patterson
I was the Green Lantern once. It was great. I didn't want to wake up.
[Determined not to go back to a dentist's office ever again, Monk is flossing in Stottlemeyer's office]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What's he doing?
Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist ever again.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Monk, cut it out. I mean it; this is a floss-free zone.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Since right now!
[Randy has quit the force]
You miss him. I can tell.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You're right. It's not true. He's not just another cop; he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge! [Monk walks by, gargling noisily] Present company excepted.
[Escobar is being extradited and Stottlemeyer is taking emergency precautions at the courthouse]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Pay attention. I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12:00 Noon. We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1:00 AM: we sweep for bombs, head to toe. 6:00 AM: I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive at 11:30. 11:40: we meet Lapides at the elevator, we hand him off. From there, he's the bureau's.
Sir, could you repeat that, please?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yeah, what part?
Uhh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."
[Stottlemeyer groans in frustration]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher, celebrating the arrest of Escobar, crumple up balls of paper and toss them in the trash. FBI Special Agent Lapides comes in and catches one before it lands in the trash can]
SLSpecial Agent Lapides
Is this a bad time?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Taking a bite out of a bagel] It is now. [To Randy] Randy, you remember Special Agent Lapides? [Lapides produces an envelope]
SLSpecial Agent Lapides
Actually I'm not alone. I'm with the attorney general. Wanna read it?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I don't need to read it. I'm not giving you Escobar. No way, no how.
SLSpecial Agent Lapides
Leland, this case is bigger than San Francisco. Escobar was supplying drugs to seven states.
Yeah, but we caught him here!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You're damn right we did, and we got him on a homicide, right here in the City of San Francisco. This case represents three years of my life.
SLSpecial Agent Lapides
Well you have the thanks of a grateful nation, Captain. But the federal indictment's already been filed. We're gonna try him first.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[To himself] Sons-of-bitches.
SLSpecial Agent Lapides
There's an extradition hearing on Thursday. Here's how it's gonna work: you babysit Escobar until then, you bring him to the courthouse, meet us in the lobby, you drop him off, you go home. [Starts to leave; but then stops, and holds the envelope to his ear] "What's that, sir?" I'll tell him. [To Stottlemeyer] The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up".
[Stottlemeyer is unsure that Marty Eels has become a great detective overnight, so he and the others question Marty at his office]
So Captain, am I on the case, or what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Listen, I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?
You mean when the robbery was happening? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Where were you, Marty?
[pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Whoa! She was cheating on him.
No, no. That's him. That's my client.
[incredulously] You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
We will.
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm this good?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.
[Monk believes that Marty has to be cheating]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.
I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
How?
[Marty has found Harold Gumbal's body by using a tree branch and a dowsing rod]
He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.
Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Casio?
Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well let's check him out.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
Captain Stottlemeyer
[holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
YCYoung Cashier
I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Sure.
It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer
[pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Captain Stottlemeyer
[producing the killer's reciept] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer
Eight items at 89 cents.
YCYoung Cashier
Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Captain Stottlemeyer
Eight candy bars?
It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer
[sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Captain Stottlemeyer
No.
[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Stottlemeyer
[pointing to machine] What's this?
Stottlemeyer
[Pointing to other machine] And this?
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer
Well, don't they cancel each other out?
If we were both drowning, who would you save?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I don't know, both of you.
No. If you could only save one of us?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I'm leaving. [walks out]
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
I thought he'd lost his wallet.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Beautiful.
I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
[Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane (which Monk calls a "spittle shield")]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [After a few moments, Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames, which continue until Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
I think I might reconsider that investment.
Monk · 667 quotes
