[Monk confides to Dr. Bell that Natalie's position as a lottery hostess is interfering with her other position as his assistant]
Natalie's your friend. Maybe you're afraid she doesn't need you any more, maybe you're afraid you're going to lose her.
MonkOr maybe I just feel insulted!
Monk
What I do is hard! I am out there, I am sweating out every clue! I am putting killers behind bars! What does she do? What does she do?! [He grabs a calendar off the desk with the date "July 16" on it] "91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9- I mean, how hard is that? You know, a talking monkey could do her job! It's embarrassing.
Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.
Monk
[Glances at it] Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the 9.
But I see your point about the monkey.
Monk
All I'm trying to say is... it's not the same Natalie! If you knew her you wouldn't know her! Last night after the show, she got somebody fired!
Monk
One of the crew, sound guy! There were some wires on the floor, and she was just like... [mimics Raptor-like snarling] ...you know, complaining.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining Malcolm O'Dwyer's body]
Monk
[Walks over] Hello.
It's the other lens. [Pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.
Monk
Do you want to put it in this evidence bag? [He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it, and then, in an approximation of Natalie's voice, he says] Bag #32. Hey! 32! Thirty two! 3-2. 32! [Natalie, who is signing autographs, stops signing and walks over to confront Monk]
Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!
Monk
That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich.
Monk
[With an authoritative tone] Oh, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim- [becomes silent]
Some other what? "Bim" what?!
Monk
[Mulls it over] Bimportant person.
Mr. Monk, do- do you think I'm a bimbo?! Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the planet, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long? Pick up your laundry? You know people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!
Monk
Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! So you're gonna have to choose.
[He gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line]
Monk
[Relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.
No I quit you. I quit us.
[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her]
[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Monk
He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
You should have just kept it all in your basement.
DMDaniel MacGraw
It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
DMDaniel MacGraw
[Sarcastically] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a series of continuous dives]
Monk
Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Mr. Monk, it's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
Monk
You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first... Oh, God! Natalie!
Monk
I've got ocean... in my pants! [The camera pans down to show that the water has gotten to just above Monk's ankles]
[Monk confronts Whitaker and accuses him of killing Jason Pierce to protect his reputation]
CWCommander Whitaker
Lieutenant Commander Pierce's death was a suicide. I'll tell you how I know: because I said it was! When I'm on land, I am a decorated officer of the United States Navy. When I'm on here, I am the lord, THY GOD! I am Jehovah. [Getting practically in Monk's face] Do you understand me? No one questions me! Now I've asked around, I know all about your problems, your fears, your claustrophobia. You are having a breakdown, sir. It happens on submarine all the time, to men far better than you. You are delusional.
Monk
I have my share of problems, I admit it. But when I'm on this case, I'm not delusional. [To an imaginary Dr. Bell] Tell him. [Whitaker eyes Monk like what he said about Monk having a breakdown has just been proven true] Does that sound delusional to you?
[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
[To Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a head shot of the victim]
Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
Monk
What about her lipstick?
Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
"Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
If you can name them, you can catch them.
[Monk and Natalie are driving along a busy road, with Natalie splitting her focus between the road in front of her and the cameraman riding in the backseat]
There's been a breakthrough in the case, it's pretty exciting.
Monk
Don't look back! Why are you looking back?
So it turns out both victims worked at the same restaurant. It's one of those themed restaurants; it's called the Morbid Cafe, and the Captain wants Mr. Monk to go talk to the manager.
Monk
Okay, could you just pull over? Please, I'm feeling nauseous.
Did I mention he also doesn't like driving?
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie stepping into a restaurant with horror movie decor, followed by Novak's camera crew]
Monk
Oh my God, people actually eat here?
Yeah, Julie comes here all the time, she loves it. See all these props? They're from old horror movies.
Monk
You should call the Board of Health. [A man wearing vampire makeup steps through one of the curtains]
VMVampire Manager
[Staying in character] Welcome! I have been expecting you! You are from the police department, is that correct?
Monk
That's right. I'm Adrian Monk and this is Natalie Teeger.
VVampire
[Taking Natalie's right hand] Oh Natalie? What a "delicious" name. [He kisses Natalie's right hand]
Adrian Why are you talking like that?
VMVampire Manager
I don't know what you mean, but I see we go to the same tailor! Ooh...!
Mr. Gleckson, we'd like to talk to you about a woman named Cassandre Rank. I believe she used to work here.
VMVampire Manager
Yes... Cassandre Rank. She was a most delectable young girl. I remember drinking her blood; she had the most exquisite taste-
She was killed two days ago. Somebody strangled her. [The manager breaks character]
VMVampire Manager
What? Are-are you serious? Oh my God, you-you must have thought that, look-look you know that this is just a job, right? And this is not real blood; it's all makeup. Oh hell, and that stuff about drinking her blood? Oh crap-
Monk
When did she work here?
VMVampire Manager
Uh, about a year ago. But she only worked her for about a month; 'cause she got a part in a play or something and then she split. Nobody stays here that long.
There was another woman, a Barbara McFarland? She worked here too, didn't she?
VMVampire Manager
[Slipping back into character] Yes...! Barbara McFarland, she had a very delectable neck, I'm sure in fact-
VMVampire Manager
[Breaking character] Oh come on! Why can't you just say that? Now I look like a monster; a real monster; and I'm not! [Stammers] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I knew her. She was here for three months.
Yeah did they know each other? Barbara and Cassandre?
VMVampire Manager
I don't think so, I don't think they ever met. Cassandre left about a year before Barbara showed up, so-
Monk
All right, we're gonna need a list of your employees: everyone who worked here when they did.
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar... [Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge]
Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
Monk
Aw, do I have to?
Monk
[Getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Monk
Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
Monk
Yeah. What if we win?
[Confused] What do we win?
Monk
If we find the body?
Monk · 667 quotes
