Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Monk

He broke into my house before the shooting...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

And raided your refrigerator?

Natalie

[Makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.

Lt. Disher

[Notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?

Natalie

That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [Puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.

Natalie

Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [Takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.

Monk

Oh no. I can't wear that.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.

Monk

No, it's all dusty.

Natalie

You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!

Monk

Okay. [He prepares to put on the uniform]

Natalie

[Gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.

Monk

Is this all you had?

Natalie

It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...

Monk

Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]

Natalie

Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.

Monk

Natalie, thank you.

Monk

[Trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [She takes out a wipe and runs toward him]

Monk

What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?

Natalie

[Hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down] Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?

Monk

To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.

Natalie

Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...? [Rollins suddenly appears from behind Natalie]

Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.

Natalie

You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!

Monk

[Dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.

Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [To Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.

What was that?

Monk

It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.

What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.

Monk

Not exactly. The police in Dourado found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.

You have a name!

Monk

Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."

The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.

Monk

Can't? Or won't?

A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.

Monk

The important thing is, that you're off the street.

[Laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold me?

Monk

[Taps one with his foot and it doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong. Have a good life, Dale. [Turns and walks away]

It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!

You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!

Monk

Oh, yes you are.

Natalie

I can't believe you bought a house without telling me!

Monk

You would've said no.

Natalie

Let's see what Dr. Bell has to say.

Monk

Why should I care what this clown thinks?

Natalie

He's a therapist! He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.

Monk

[Glances at the analogue clock, which reads 10:59 AM] One minute now. If he's late, we're leaving.

Natalie

[Spotting the doctor's certificate on the wall] Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-E-V-E-N! It's a palindrome! That's a good sign!

Monk

It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.

Natalie

Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.

Monk

It was to me!

Dr. Neven Bell

Mr. Monk. [Shakes hands with Monk] Neven Bell. I've been looking forward to this. [After releasing Monk's hand, Dr. Bell produces a wipe from a package of Wet Ones] Wipe. [Monk turns to Natalie, who gives a thumbs up. Cuts to Monk sitting in Dr. Bell's office]

Dr. Neven Bell

Why haven't you been sleeping?

Monk

Heh, no big mystery. There's this girl across the street who plays the same song. [Imitates a section of Prelude in A Major] It doesn't matter, I'm out of there; I just bought a house.

Dr. Neven Bell

Well congratulations. So when did it start, the piano playing?

Monk

I don't know. About a year ago.

Dr. Neven Bell

Hmm, but it's only been bothering you for what, five weeks?

Monk

How did you know that?

Dr. Neven Bell

Well the girl's been practicing for over a year, and it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.

Monk

No. No. No. No. No. [He continues saying "no" as Dr. Bell speaks]

Dr. Neven Bell

The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin; he played in his waiting room all the time. Maybe the music is reminding you of-of your friend, and it's been affecting you.

Adrian Monk

And.... here is another bathroom; for a total of [flicks on the light switch] two bathrooms. That is a claw-footed bathtub, which is something I've always wanted.

Natalie

[Laughs] It is?

Monk

Yeah. I just didn't know it. [Natalie runs her hand along the wall as they walk back towards the foyer]

Natalie

Oh, I love all the woodwork!

Monk

Hey, don't touch that.

Natalie

What, wet paint?

Monk

No, just don't touch it. Another wall, hallway, more walls, another wall, and we're back in the living room.

Natalie

I can't believe it! You actually did it!

Monk

Uh, that's a new rug. Don't just stand on it. You have to keep moving.

Natalie

Moving?

Monk

So it doesn't wear out in one place. [Natalie starts stepping from side to side]

Natalie

Oh, you mean like this?

Monk

Maybe wider circles.

Natalie

Okay I'm just gonna stand over here. [She walks back to the foyer]

Monk

So, "whaddaya" (what do you) think? [Monk sits down in the other room]

Natalie

I like it. I do! I think you're gonna be really hap... You're gonna be...

Monk

Happy!

Natalie

Happy.

Monk

I already am. I should've done this years ago.

Natalie

And you don't miss your old apartment.

Monk

Why should I?

Natalie

Because Trudy was there! And this house is not the same. And you're not a big fan of "not the same".

Monk

Well, maybe I've matured. [Pause, with Natalie glaring at him] I said maybe I've matured.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, I was raised in an older house. There are going to be problems; there always are. And you can't just call the super! You know, you're it! You're-you're responsible!

Monk

That's what I love about it! I have never been responsible for anything. I want to be responsible.

Natalie

You do?

Monk

I want to be part of something. Something real. Something [Pounds a fist into the dining room door frame] permanent. Natalie, I'm.... home. [Natalie laughs and joins him in the dining room]

So, you are a, ah, detective?

Natalie

No, he's the best detective in the world.

Monk

Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?

So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]

Monk

This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.

Who?

Monk

The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up [the stairs] to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.

So you just put that together? Just like that? [Impressed] Fantastic!

Monk

And this. [Pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]

Natalie

It's never been opened. You think she killed him?

Monk

She lied about it. There must be a reason.

Hey Cassie. [Cassie is momentarily startled to see Jake sitting in an armchair, but casts a sigh of relief. She sets her grocery bag down on the floor]

Jake! You scared me to death!

Got your work on the night shift again, huh?

Yeah.

That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack, huh. [Pause; Cassie sets her keys down on the kitchen counter]

How did you get in?

Sliding door. It's broken.

No it's not.

No. It is.

[Nervously] So, how's it going? When am I gonna see my share?

See, buttercup, that's why I'm here: We--we ran into a little, "bump" in the road today. Guess who bought the house? [Pause] Adrian Monk. [Short pause]

I don't know him.

He's on to you, Cassie. [Cassie puts her hands up in a defensive position]

Jake, it wasn't my fault! I didn't wanna kill him! [Jake starts to rise from his chair and pulls an awl from his toolbelt]

I know.

He would've told everybody! I really didn't have a choice!

I know. [He stabs and kills her]

Natalie

You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.

Monk

Can you reach that hammer? [Points to a spare hammer on Jake's toolbelt]

Natalie

I'll try. [She barely manages to stretch as far as she can to grab the hammer, which she hands to Monk]

Monk

Pull. [Still weighed down by the tub, Monk and Natalie crawl down the hall, dragging the tub with them. Monk takes the hammer, and pounds in a protruding nail, accidentally making a very small hole in the wall]

Natalie

Now what?

Monk

Nothing. That nail was driving me crazy. [He and Natalie stop to catch their breaths]

Natalie

Oh God!

Monk

What?

Natalie

[Points] He still hasn't fixed that light!

Monk

Oh my God. [He backs away] Oh my God!

"Oh my God" what? Whaddaya see, hmm? [Monk and Natalie stammer] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see, huh?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is not wooden lattice work] Something there? [He realizes what it is] It's a false wall! There's a reason that light wasn't centered: because this is a false wall! [To Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. Move the furniture! [They move a table]

Jake?

It's in here! Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]

Jake! Jake! Whaddaya wanna do with your share of the money?

Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He shoots and kills Ramone]

Monk

This way.

Natalie

Is he dead? [To Jake] Are you dead?!

Monk

No, he's not dead! He's still breathing. He's gonna wake up any second now.

Natalie

HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!

Monk

[Remembering what Joseph's niece said about the soundproof walls] Forget it, it's no use! Nobody's gonna hear you!

Natalie

Come on!

If you like my work, tell your friends. All about where to mouth my business. And on second thought, I'm gonna retire. [He raises his gun and suddenly Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Drop the gun! On the ground! Let me see your hands!

[Being led out] Good luck.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Holy moly, what happened here?

Monk

I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

Monk

[Writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Te... ger."

Natalie

My four favorite words.

Natalie

Thank you.

Monk

Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]

Natalie

Um, excuse me, where's the rest of this? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.

Monk

I thought you were just hanging out.

Natalie

No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer! That was a work!

Monk

But, you said it was fun. I- I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...

Natalie

You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me?! Is-is that the new rule?!

Monk

Even if I wanted to! I've already torn it out of the checkbook.

Natalie

[Trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one!

Monk

Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...

Natalie

Of course it's up to you!!

Monk

I need you to use your inside voice.

Natalie

What?! Oh my God!! [Screams in frustration] GOD!

Monk

I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track-

Natalie

Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!

I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.

Natalie

Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.

Monk

Can I help you?

My name is Linda Kloster, husband is Patrick Kloster.

Monk

Patrick Kloster? The chess master?

Natalie

Yeah I was just reading about him. He's like some kind of supergenius, like, off the charts.

Yes, well, Patrick has an IQ of 180, four points higher than Albert Einstein's.

Monk

Well what can I do for you?

Well, it's my husband; he's gonna kill someone.

Natalie

How do you know?

He talks about it. He talks about it all the time; he says he has a perfect plan and he's never gonna get caught.

Monk

Did he say who he's going to kill?

Yes. It's me. [Pause] He's gonna kill me.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[On the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [Pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [Pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure. [Pause] Fine, good. You sleep on it! Slams the phone down]

Monk

How did that go?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[To the detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.

Natalie

What? You can't arrest him for anything?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]

Lt. Disher

Captain, we just got a call.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay.

Lt. Disher

You'd better put down the cup.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Just tell me who called, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Why?

Lt. Disher

Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk, and Natalie sits down in one of Stottlemeyer's chairs] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly throws his coffee cup at the window, shattering it]

Natalie

What happened?

Lt. Disher

I don't know. [Monk starts to head towards the door]

Monk

Let's go.

Natalie

Wait, Mr. Monk-

Monk

Let's go! We've gotta get over there!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Let's go, Randy.

Hey, the cavalry is here.

Monk

Can I have the room, please?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]

Natalie

Mr. Monk...

Monk

Not now.

Natalie

You can't blame yourself.

Monk

Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?

Lt. Disher

Probable heart attack.

Monk

He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.

Lt. Disher

Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation.

Monk

[Crouching by the body] Poison.

Lt. Disher

No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So how did he do it?

Monk

I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.

According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?

That's right.

And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?

Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.

I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.

Monk

Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.

Did she?

Monk

She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.

My wife was an unstable woman.

Monk

She didn't seem unstable.

I'm sure she was. [Turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Heart attack.

Natalie

Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.

And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.

Lt. Randall Disher

And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.

Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?

Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.

Lt. Randall Disher

[Starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."

Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.

Natalie

"In chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal." The end, and may I say, "Thank god." [She closes the book and Monk hands her the next one]

Monk

Keep going. Here's the next one.

Natalie

Oh Mr. Monk, come on! We've been reading his books all day! What good are they doing?

Monk

I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head! So we're... in each other's heads. [Natalie sighs and opens the next book]

Natalie

"Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [Flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatiana."

Monk

You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds a check]

Natalie

Fine, sorry. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?

Monk

I'll never deposit it.

Natalie

But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [Holds the check up, long pause]

Monk

She came to me. I didn't protect her.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.

Monk

What about the promise I made that he wouldn't get away with it?

Natalie

You--you made a promise to me, too.

Monk

[Points to the car mirror, and sees Patrick Kloster approaching] Shhh, there he is! [Monk starts to buckle his seatbelt]

Natalie

What?

Monk

Oh my god.

Natalie

He's coming! What do we do? Uh, we should kiss! No! I didn't say that! I wasn't thinking, I never said that!

Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.

Natalie

My mark?

Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.

90 seconds!

Natalie

90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!

There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich. [To himself] Amateurs... [walks away]

Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.

They usually do.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.

You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.

I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2.... [The theme music starts up]

Natalie

Good evening, people. Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [Pause, then Monk gives her a gesture that implies; "get-on-with-it" ] Then let's play, the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]

[Whispering] Turn it on. [Pause] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button. She jumps, startled]

Natalie

My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number.... 52. 52... cards in a deck. The next number.... 7. The Seven Dwarves.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Tears up some fan mail] Seven dwarves.

Natalie

[Draws the number 32] The next number.... 32. 32 teeth. [Clicks her teeth and draws the number 10] 10. My boss's absolute favorite number.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Aw, crap!

Natalie

Apparently not everybody's favorite. [The number 17 gets drawn] And the final number is 17, my daughter's age. [Little wave] Hi Julie! [Pause] Once again the winning numbers for today are 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [Pauses] You'll thank me later! [The music stops]

Monk

"You'll thank me later?" That's my line! I say that!

Lt. Disher

It hurts, doesn't it?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Tearing up some fan mail] You know, I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.