A character in Monk
Played by Tony Shalhoub
Monk · 667 quotes
Most-quoted character in Monk: in 475 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Natalie Teeger (162), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (140), Sharona Fleming (82)
[Ike, Reggie, and the Professor have shown up at Monk's apartment looking for his services]
Do you guys want to sit down?
Yeah! Thanks.
MonkNo! That couch doesn't work, none of these chairs work. How 'bout we sit on some newspapers! Julie, go get some newspapers!
[Stottlemeyer muses about his health when he finds Monk and Natalie in his office]
Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [He motions towards a bottle of a health drink]
MonkWhat is it?
I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [He takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Oh, it tastes like chalk.
What's in it?
Monk[Reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station to talk to Randy about the Willie T. murder]
Maybe the Captain saw something... [Randy turns around, and they see that he has grown a mustache] ...unusual. What is that?
What?
On your face! On your lip!
MonkIt looks a little bit like a mustache.
Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
You're making me a little uncomfortable!
[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it]
Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
Who do you think?
No, wait! You don't want to do that!
I don't, huh?
No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
Give me one good reason.
I'M YOUR BROTHER!
I'm a con-man, I'm a grifter. I'm a lovable rogue!
A lovable rogue? People don’t call themselves "lovable rogues".
Lovable rogues do.
[Jack is explaining how he escaped]
Come on, I didn't kill that woman! I crawled through the sewer, when I got to the parking lot, she was already dead!
Wait, wait, wait, go back... you crawled through the what-what?
I crawled through the sewer, that's how I escaped...
No, wait, go back... you crawled, through the what?
The sewer.
Wait... [whimpers] Go back.
Just one phone call. For old time's sake.
We don't have any old times.
Sure we do. Come on, remember... oh, remember in the hallway, when you hit me over the head with that metal box?
That was a half hour ago!
Yeah, well it's something. I mean, it's a start.
Jack, was he a good father?
Look at us, what do you think?
Was he a bad father?
Look at us, what do you think?
[Monk is in session with Dr. Bell]
MonkAll I ever wanted was a real family. I used to pray for one.
I hate to break the news to you, Adrian, but you already have a real family. In many ways, your situation is typical; I've seen it quite often. [Monk raises his eyebrows]
MonkThere's a four state dragnet on my brother. Do you get that a lot?
Hand to God--
God doesn't wanna see your hand!
[Adrian, Jack, and Natalie are leaving after interviewing Reese]
Are you sure?
I'm 80% sure he's the guy. [Reese immediately opens fire on them from the roof and they dive behind a tool rack] I'm 95% sure!
He's my brother.
Half-brother.
I'm rounding up.
[Monk notices one of Dean Berry's square tomatoes in a glass case]
MonkIs that a square tomato?
Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.
MonkSo, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?
How does it taste?
MonkWho cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.
[Monk and Natalie arrive at John Kuramoto's house while searching for Dean Berry's bicycle]
MonkAm I going to need a tetanus shot after this?
Probably not. [As they reach the porch, Natalie sees a set of bolt cutters] Mr. Monk, look, the bolt cutters!
MonkOh yeah, those are nice.
I don't see the bike. Maybe he's out riding it. [Monk peeks through the window blinds]
MonkNo, he's right in there! Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?
The right thing. [Monk sighs and pounds his elbow against the door]
MonkHello, Johnny! Open up, it's... it's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back! [Sheepishly] And the name of your decorator. [Sighs] You're not in trouble! Nobody's gonna press charges! We just want the bike!
[Whispers to Monk] Try again!
[Kuramoto fires at them through the other side of the door. Monk and Natalie try to run, but one of the bullets hits Monk in the left leg, just below the knee]
MonkWhat's the catch?
With what?
MonkWith Marge, what do you suppose she's after?
Uh, Adrian—
MonkEvery time somebody wants to be my friend, it turns out they're after something. They have an angle!
Not necessarily.
MonkHow could somebody - how could anybody - love me unconditionally? I mean, come on, you met me!
Adrian, I know you've been burned in the past, but you have to trust people. See, there's not always a catch.
MonkThen how do you explain this? There's always a catch.
Captain Leland StottlemeyerTed Levine · 239 quotes
Natalie TeegerTraylor Howard · 203 quotes
Sharona FlemingBitty Schram · 111 quotes
Lt. DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 100 quotes
Lt. Randall DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 68 quotes
Dr. Charles KrogerStanley Kamel · 17 quotes
Julie TeegerEmmy Clarke · 13 quotes
BFBenjy Fleming12 quotes
Jack MonkDan Hedaya · 12 quotes
Harold KrenshawTim Bagley · 7 quotes
DBDale Biederbeck6 quotes
Dr. Neven BellHéctor Elizondo · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.