A character in Monk
Played by Tony Shalhoub
Monk · 667 quotes
Most-quoted character in Monk: in 475 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Natalie Teeger (162), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (140), Sharona Fleming (82)
[Monk and Natalie notice Michael Kenworthy and Monk begins to give chase]
MonkCall the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!
Where are you going?!
MonkI'm going after Santa Claus!
[After him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure?! I mean, a hundred thousand percent sure?! It's hard on me, too!
[Monk and Natalie are being interviewed by Brandy Barber after Monk takes down Michael Kenworthy]
The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.
Yeah, we remember.
How does it feel to be an American hero?
MonkHe's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.
[About Amanda Clark] She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
MonkStone mason, huh?
No. Prostitute.
[Holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
MonkHave you?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk]
Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?
Monk[About Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.
You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?
MonkWe sure showed him.
Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.
MonkOh, God! Did you stop that check?
Yeah, I already called the bank.
MonkWe sure showed him.
Yeah, we did.
[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault]
MonkI'm gonna die, right here.
No, you are not!
MonkYou're right. [Stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
It's not her!
MonkAnother Julie Teeger? That's impossible!
Capt. Stotlemeyer Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.
MonkBut her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.
MonkAnd what does that prove?
I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the smashed-in hood]
What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.
There's no bridge across the creek!
I know.
There is no bridge across the creek.
Yes, I know.
There's no bridge across the creek.
Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
It's okay. It's insured. [Tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
Yeah, remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. She and Randy walk away to join Monk by the body]
What is it?
MonkHer bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.
So?
MonkSo what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over, he finds a set of tire tracks]
Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]
MonkWhat is it?
It's a bruise. It's square.
MonkIt's from a trailer hitch. [To Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.
He backed up?
MonkHe ran her over. This was no random accident.
We've got two homicides, same name, on the same day.
MonkSomeone is killing Julie Teegers? [Natalie is now horrified]
Oh my God!
Any ideas?
MonkI don't know. I don't know.... Okay. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.
MonkOkay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
MonkAny arrests?
Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]
MonkJulia Teeger.
A history of violence and a mother obsession.
MonkI like it.
I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher leave the squad room]
Monk[To Randy] What about your other idea? You said you had two?
Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
[Glances at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator? What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
[Imitates Schwarzenegger] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
Uh, that was T-2.
Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
Can I have that back, please?
[Still imitating] "And things of this nature..".
Monk[Grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
No, no, no, happy to do it.
MonkYour wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
MonkDoes she have Tourette syndrome?
[Thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
MonkThe mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
MonkWell the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
MonkAt least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]
Tape is rolling. [Sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
MonkKills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
Randy, what are you doing?
[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]
My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
This is a new low.
Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
[Through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
MonkDr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
The important thing is that we keep him talking.
What if he has a knife?
He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
MonkHow about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
Ten of what?
MonkOf anything.
Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
I've heard people say that.
Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never".
[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone]
Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
MonkOutside.
Well, what if it rains?
MonkThen your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.
[Notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!
MonkI need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!
[Natalie is suspicious about Petya Lovak]
Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.
MonkNatalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.
No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.
MonkUn-Googleable! End of discussion.
[Accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
Sorry.
You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
I know. I can tell. Look. [Picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
$40 bucks. No way.
[To Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [Back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
I'm not paying for it!
MonkWhat was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
MonkHe was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
MonkThe suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
I don't know. An eclectic spree?
Do you have any enemies?
None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [Points at Randy accusingly, then makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]
Randy, give him five bucks.
Fine. [Takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]
MonkI wonder what happened to his partner.
What partner?
MonkIt's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
[To Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Randy starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike! [Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him].
MonkI didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!
Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.
Captain Leland StottlemeyerTed Levine · 239 quotes
Natalie TeegerTraylor Howard · 203 quotes
Sharona FlemingBitty Schram · 111 quotes
Lt. DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 100 quotes
Lt. Randall DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 68 quotes
Dr. Charles KrogerStanley Kamel · 17 quotes
Julie TeegerEmmy Clarke · 13 quotes
BFBenjy Fleming12 quotes
Jack MonkDan Hedaya · 12 quotes
Harold KrenshawTim Bagley · 7 quotes
DBDale Biederbeck6 quotes
Dr. Neven BellHéctor Elizondo · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.