Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

[as Monk puts a small coin in a donation jar at the museum] It says five dollars.

Adrian Monk

Suggested donation. Considered their suggestion. Appreciate their suggestion. Decided to give less.

S3 E11 Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra

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Adrian Monk

[as Natalie is leaving] I solved the case! Aren't you interested?

Chris Downey

I'm interested. [Monk looks behind just in time to see Chris Downey swing a shovel at his head. Cuts to Downey heaping dirt onto a buried coffin]

S3 E11 Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra

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TTrudy

Adrian, listen to me -- I want you to do something for me. I want you to close my office and pay her what she needs.

Monk

I c-- I can't close...

TTrudy

It's just four walls and a door, it means nothing!

S3 E11 Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra

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Adrian Monk

I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.

What are you talking about?

Adrian Monk

I don't know.

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Adrian Monk

[as they drive into the mountains] Why couldn't we stay in the city?

Because a man there wants you dead.

Adrian Monk

I know.

And that man packs a lot of muscle in the Bay Area.

Adrian Monk

I know that.

That's why they have a witness protection program.

[Grooms stops the car at a gas station. Stottlemeyer gets out]

Captain, please stay in the vehicle until we get to the cabin.

What are you afraid of, Grooms? A sharpshooting raccoon with a high-powered rifle?

Okay, Captain, this is not a joke. Tommy Winn has already had two other federal witnesses killed.

I know he has. That's why I'm here. [Natalie gets out behind him]

Miss Teeger, stay in the vehicle.

No.

All right, you can stretch your legs. Just don't call any attention to yourselves.

Good advice coming from a guy wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.

[Monk gets out]

Adrian Monk

Where are we?

You're safe. That's where you are.

Adrian Monk

How long do we have to stay here?

Until the deposition hearing on Monday.

Adrian Monk

Six days. [Grooms goes to the gas pump and removes the hose]

You're doing God's work. We've finally got Tommy Winn behind bars and thanks to you, he's gonna stay there.

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[Monk tries to use the persona of a hunter while at the general store]

Excuse me, do you carry Sierra Springs bottled water?

SOStore Owner

In the cooler. Help yourself. [Natalie heads towards the cooler in the back] You folks just passin' through here?

Adrian Monk

I'm---I'm a hunter. I'm gonna do some hunting [mimes holding a hunting rifle]. [Another customer in the store, Kathy Willowby, eyes Monk oddly]

Season doesn't start for three months.

Adrian Monk

I know. Uh, I like to get here early, and get a good spot.

What are you gonna do? Squat in the woods for twelve weeks? [laughs]

MWMartin Willowby

Kathy! It's none of our business! This gentleman ain't poking his nose into your life, is he?

He can ask me anything he likes! I've got nothing to hide. [to the owner; who is playing country music on his radio] Turn that up! Martin hates country music; he doesn't let me play it at home. Isn't that right, darling?

MWMartin Willowby

That is why the good Lord invented headphones.

SOStore Owner

Oh, Martin. I've got those dipsy-digglies you were asking about. [hands Martin a pair of fishing lures]

MWMartin Willowby

Thank you very much. [eying Monk] Best bass lure in the whole world!

Yeah every lure you buy is the best lure in the world!

MWMartin Willowby

Well that's 'cause they keep improving them! I'll take two: one for the fish, and one for my lucky hat. [The cashier is taking care of Natalie's payment]

SOStore Owner

Okay. That will be $22 even.

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[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer are observing Kathy Willowby through binoculars. She is carrying some bags of ice into the cabin]

She's carrying two packages. Looks like ice.

Adrian Monk

Exactly! She's been buying ice all day. That makes 16 bags she's brought in so far.

Maybe she's having a party.

Adrian Monk

No food! No beer, no chips, just ice!

Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.

Adrian Monk

The only other thing that she bought today is a new radio. Plus, I am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night!

That was me. You tied my foot to the bed.

Adrian Monk

I mean before that, and it was definitely coming from that cabin. [shushes them; faint country music can be heard from across the lake] You hear that? She said her husband didn't let her play country music in the house.

Maybe he's not home.

Adrian Monk

Where did he go? There's his boat! They only have the one car.

Maybe he went on a walk!

Adrian Monk

No, I have been watching the house all day. Captain, I have not seen him.

[Stottlemeyer gets an idea. He goes inside while Monk and Natalie continue to observe Kathy. Monk hands the binoculars over to Natalie. Kathy takes another bag of ice into the cabin. Inside, the cabin phone rings. Stottlemeyer comes back out of the FBI cabin carrying the phone]

It's ringing.

But Agent Grooms said "no calls."

Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]

Hello?

Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.

Yes?

Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. Uh, we're having a big high school reunion.

Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.

Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!

You do that.

Thank you very much. [hangs up] She says that he's on the lake fishing.

Adrian Monk

Captain, she killed him. [Natalie sets down the binoculars in disgust]

You have got to be kidding. Can I take you anywhere?!

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[Monk knows that Kathy Willowby electrocuted her husband]

Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap.

Adrian Monk

Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.

What does that mean?

[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]

Adrian Monk

95 percent.

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[In the woods]

Adrian Monk

Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.

We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.

Adrian Monk

Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

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[Disher has shown up at Kathy Willowby's cabin, having been lured here by Chinese hitmen]

Adrian Monk

Lieutenant, this was handmade. See the edge? It was cut with scissors.

Randy, did you just drive up here?

Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of a sniper's rifle scope]

Get down!

[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]

DPDeputy Paul Coby

Where are they?

Captain Stottlemeyer:' There's at least two! One behind the canoes!

DPDeputy Paul Coby

Who the hell are they?

Hit men from San Francisco!

THEY'RE HERE TO KILL MONK!

Good!

[As the two hit men continue to fire on the cabin, Monk puts Kathy's radio on the table, and notices scorch marks with the shape of an electric cord that run from the electric outlet to the bathtub, while Randy examines his fortunes]

MDMonk and Disher

[simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened! [Monk and Disher start giving their summations simultaneously (Monk about how Kathy Willowby killed her husband Martin and made it look like an accident, and Randy about his girlfriend's relationship), with the camera jumping back and forth between each summation. Randy is shown in a bar when Hayley "accidentally" spills her drink on his lap]

We met by accident! I can see it now. God I'm such an idiot! [switches to Kathy electrocuting Martin in the bathtub]

Adrian Monk

...She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She needed it to look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance, but... [switches to Randy's fortunes being prepared separately in the kitchen]

...Maybe I believed them because I wanted to believe them. All of those fortunes were printed in advance just for me! [switches to Kathy pouring ice over Martin's body]

Adrian Monk

She had to preserve the body until the storm came!

That's why she bought all those bags of ice.

[flashbacks end]

DCDeputy Coby

My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?

Neither one. [A bullet shatters one of the vases behind them]

All they had to do was send me a fake IRS check!

Adrian Monk

[at the same time] She froze the body so that the coroner would never be able to determine the right time of death! [A flashback showing a Chinese driver in the garbage truck that nearly ran Randy down is played]

The first fortune predicted that I would be save by a dirty death, which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant. [switches to Kathy putting Martin's body in the boat and creating fake scorch marks]

Adrian Monk

Last night during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.

Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She probably broke up with me.

[Outside, Agent Grooms crawls behind one of the canoes and pops up, taking the hit man in front of him by surprise]

FBI! Freeze! [He shoots and kills the first thug. The other thug comes over, preparing to shoot Grooms (who is checking the first goon), but Stottlemeyer is ready to take out the second goon]

Grooms! [He shoots and kills the second goon] A little vacation, huh? [Grooms scorches daggers at Stottlemeyer. Inside the cabin, a shaken Kathy stands up]

Is it over?

DPDeputy Paul Coby

Not for you. I'm gonna order a full autopsy on Martin's body; they'll know if it was lightning or electrocution. [He leads her house of the house while Monk, Natalie and Randy get up]

[to Monk and Natalie] So what the hell happened here?

She electrocuted her husband!

Well, looks like we've all had a pretty full day: you guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.

(After hearing a car)

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Adrian Monk

It's probably people.