Jess quotes from Misfits

[Walks past Jess on bench] I can't believe you fucking told them!

Jess

Told them what? Alex!

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Why does she keep running off, then?

Because she's a girl. That's what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick. Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.

Well, fuck... What if it's that? Shit!

Oi! Don't swear in front of the bump!

[See Nadine running up a hill across the lake] Come on, we need to follow her.

[Answers phone] Yeah? All right, just...

Jess

I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er... Something's going on with Alex. He is gonna try and get his cock back. I'm really worried what he's gonna do.

To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex. So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.

Jess

Why are you being such a prick?

Good luck with it, though, yeah? I hope you're happy together. Fuck. I've... I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude.

Wait. Is she shitting in the bushes? Why would she be shitting in the bushes?

It's the werewolf thing, I told you.

Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar.

[Nadine appears in a nun's habit] What the f... ohh. Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.

Ah. Yep. Looks like it.

I'm just gonna call her back.

What are the fucking chances? When was the last time you even saw a nun?

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[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.

Jess

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?

Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?

Jess

Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?

He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.

Jess

We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.

Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.

Where is she? Where has she gone?

[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.

Is that the probation worker?

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[Pointing gun at James abdomen] Get it out! I want to see it!

JJames

I don't know what you're talking about!

Get your dick out right now! [James whips out Alex's penis] That's mine! You stole it from me, you piece of shit!

JJames

Look, I had to, there was no other way.

I swear to God, it better be okay. If I find out you've been putting it anywhere that you shouldn't have been...

JJames

It's not about that, it's not about sex.

Jess

Alex. Look at me. Let's just calm down, yet? I know you really want it back, but don't fuck up everything you've already got.

JJames

[Holds shattered bottle to Alex's penis] Right, drop the gun or I'll do it. I'll fucking cut it.

Don't you fucking dare!

JJames

I'll do it. I'm gonna do it. You've got five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two. One... [Alex points gun at head]

Jess

What are you doing?!

I'm a freak. I'm disgusting. You're all laughing at me. I don't feel like I'm me, I don't feel like I'm anything. And I can't live without my cock. I don't wanna live like this any more.

JJames

[Drops bottle on ground] Oh, don't. Just... Look, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just did what I had to do. 'Cause all my life, it's all I've wanted. I don't want it. Not like this. [James inserts hand into Alex's pants and returns his penis]

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What happened to the baby?

I gave him back.

Jess

Are you okay?

Fine.

Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?

So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.

Where you going?

That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.

[Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?

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[To Abbey scooping up dog shit] So, this is ironic, innit?

Maybe it's meant to be. I mean, it's the first steps to finding out who I actually am. It's all part of some big cosmic plan.

Jess

[To Abbey] You just stepped in some dog shit!

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I think it's bigger. Like maybe the whole... swapping thing... stretched it.

Jess

Well, I'll leave you two to get reacquainted. You probably have a lot to talk about.

It's definitely longer.

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[To community servers washing off graffiti] What's this?! What's with the strange lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the... rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up with you lot?

Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.

Jess

Fuck you!

He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and is never gonna shag him.

Well... I- I- let her... speak for herself, shall we, Jess?

And him... He's in love with a nun.

I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!

Which is always going to end up badly.

Oi... no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh?

[Walks up to Abbey] What about you, sweetcheeks?

I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection. I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it. Which makes me feel sad and... lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.

You take the pain... and you hang onto it. You bury it! Deep inside you! Do you feel it?! Do you feel it? 'Cause that's it. Feels like your guts are strangling your heart. Lap it up, it's good for the soul.

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Jess

Why are you looking at him like that?

It's like a weight's been lifted. Or reattached. I'm talkin' about his cock.

Jess

Why are you all so obsessed with his cock?

I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.

Jess

If you're really that into it, why don't you go over there and ask him to show it to you? 'Cause he's working. And there's probably... a health and safety thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks. Well, there should be.

Jess

[Referring to Abbey flirting with Alex] Look at her. This whole "search for a bullshit connection" thing, it's just an excuse to be an enormous slut.

I like her.

Jess

Do you fancy her?

Why do you care?

Jess

I don't.

All right, well, that's... all worked out very nicely, hmm? Um... I have things to do and places to be, so I'll see you tomorrow.

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[In locker room] Oh... D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember. All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest with you, with all the soft hair, silky vaginas. [Chuckles] I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death. I've bailed mid-fuck.

You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?

Yeah. Point being...

Jess

So, there is a point?

Yeah, there's a... Yes, there's a point. And the point is, and this is fucking heart-breaking, there are shitters and there are people that get shat on. I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me. You know, me heart's in little pieces all over the floor here.

Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.

Ohhh! Will you shut up?! [Finn walks away] And stop... Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not. Fuck's sake! Shut up!

You've gotta fight for her.

Jess

[Scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?"

I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it. I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex. It's a shame.

Really? [Softly] Is that true?

Jess

You are such a bitch.

Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.

No, no, no. You're right. You are both right and you're friggin' strange. [Claps hand, points up and runs away, turning to them] You have to fight for the nun you love... That's what's happening. [Leaves door] Whoa!

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

I've just... I'm... I'm- I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can't stop me, please, mate.

What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?

No, I'd crawl, man. I'd... dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, really, I would. [Sighs]

[Puts both hands on Rudy's shoulders] Hey. That's what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit. Naked? [Slides hands down off Rudy's arms] I should know. I was in love once. Didn't say anything, I was too scared. Lost them for ever. That's... That's a shame, man. Feel your pain, man. That's horrid. You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, [Slams hands past Rudy on door menacingly] OR SO HELP ME GOD, OR I WILL FUCK YOU TO KINGDOM COME!

Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this. [Clears throat starts inching along] Cor... Ohh... Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg. [Runs away]

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[On rooftop] They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are. Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love. It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can. Eh?

Jess

Are you sure that's her motivation?

It's... It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV. [Finn enters] Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted... They're [Finn sits] consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy. I mean, look at him. I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.

That what you were just doing in the toilets?

No.

Fuck.

I mean, what are we talking about?

Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we. You need to help me. Who's gonna help me? Come on! Oh, I see. Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable. The number of times I've helped you two out. And you, man. What about when you... the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap with you? Me.

That was you. You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.

Did I?

Yeah.

Yeah, and why did I do that?

Because you didn't wanna sleep in your own shit.

That's incorrect. It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's... It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.

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[Community servers hiding behind a corner spying on the convent entrance]

So, what the plan?

Hmm? I don't have... I've... I've no idea. I'm sorry, I've not thought of yet.

Jess

Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination?

I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.

Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.

Jess

So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm.

You could use the special powers you got after being struck by that random freak storm. [Rudy and Finn turn and stare at Abbey condescended] It's just a thought.

You know, we really should use them more often. Hmm. [Outstretches hands and successfully unlocks convent front doors]

Piece of cake.

You've got blood coming out of your ears.

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[Headbutts a nun in hallway] Oh, no. That's really bad. Mmm!

Jess

You just head-butted a nun.

Hail Mary, full of grace...

It's fine. She's... She's an evil bitch nun! [Gut kicks the nun]

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[Opens door to Jess holding a beer bottle] I- I- I thought you were on your community service.

Jess

We all ditched it because we had to rescue Rudy's nun. Some other evil bitch nuns were holding her prisoner. [Referring to beer] You got another one of those?

SSarah

[From bedroom] Alex. [Jess walks past Alex]

Jess.

Jess

You fucking prick.

SSarah

Who's she?

Jess

I thought I was his girlfriend.