Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
JessThat doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
Jess
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
Jess
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
[Comes in front door] Jess.
Jess
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Jess
Just fuck off!
Seriously, get out my face.
[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Jess
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Jess
Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Jess
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
Jess
Who?
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
[Comes in locker room to find Alex dying from being impaled by a harbringer] It's just a graze.
Jess
My bad. We need to get him to a hospital. I'm gutted we're all gonna die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you and your emotional honesty. Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
I'm sure we're all gonna be fine. Maybe not him.
Jess
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
Jess
If she dies, they die. It's her power.
No, they're not right. They're fucking... You're wrong.
It's my fault. I brought them here.
No. No good. You're good and pure. D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat... cowardly, selfish, violent, a world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginas and just splatters on the floor. You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss. And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals. I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the situation of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
Jess
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
One for all, all for one, and a nun. My nun. My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me?
Looks that way. So, who goes out there first? Someone's gotta be first out the door.
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
I'm really glad I met you.
What? [Nadine runs out locker room to four harbringers] Oh, no. No! [Harbringer plunges sword into Nadine] No! Nadine. Don't. No... Oh... [Four harbringers disappear and Rudy walks ahead sobbing] No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. [Sobs] Ohh... No... [sobs]
This is all wrong, this. I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it. I always wanted a BMX. I just remembered that! I just remembered something. That's a clue. To what? To my true identity. Okay, think... BMX.
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Jess
Hello? Is he okay? Jesus, um... I don't know his family. I know he's a barman. Yeah... I'm on my way. OK. Bye. [Hangs up]That was the hospital. It's Alex. He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him...
[Rides BMX into wall] Ah! They're giving him a lung transplant.
Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be getting a transplant round here.
Jess
Why's that?
Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seeing this one time, right, and she had an heart transplant. She only ended up getting herself a teleportation power. And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
Jess
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is gonna be fine.
What's the chance of it happening again, really?
[Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!
Jess
You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.
I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.
Yeah, that's you all over.
And then they cast me out.
And why were you cast out?
I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [A uniformed girl scout walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick! Shit. [Looks down] Is he still staring? He's really staring.
Jess
He's gone.
Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys. You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts. The first time I ever saw another boy's penis. Scouts. First time I touched another boy's penis. Scouts. First time another boy touched my penis.
Jess
Scouts?
It was in Scouts! It was in Scou... happy, sunlit days is what they were. [Referring to a female scout] Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.
[Jess is pulling out and Rudy slams against passenger side] Stop! [Points to lock] You gonna do that? [Walks to vehicle rear] Fucks sake. [Opens trunk door] Ah. Buzzing. [Climbs in] Listen, what are you doing? Ooh. What you doing right now? [Climbs into front seat]
Jess
I'm going for a facial.
Jess
Excuse me?
[Laughs] Sorry. I disgust myself when I'm nervous. Fuck, it's small in here. What I meant to say was, would you mind giving me a lift to my dad's harlot's flat, please?
Jess
Why can't Finn do it?
Because Finn doesn't have any respect for the institution of marriage, it would appear. And he doesn't have a car. So... wagons roll!
[Checks hair in sun visor mirror] Right. How's that?
Jess
You're not going on a date with her.
Well, actually, yes, she is going on a date. She's going on a date with destiny. No one fucks with my family. No one fucks members of my family. Apart from other members of my family.
Jess
[Sees him walking] Your dad's here.
[Leaps into back seat] Shit! Right, start the engine! This was a terrible idea! You never should have made me come here. You're a fool!
Jess
This is a perfect opportunity for you to talk to both of them without your mum being around. You should confront him.
Will you come with me, please?
Jess
No.
Oh, well, what a selfish cunt.
Jess
Really?
No. Not at all. I can't do this. I can't do it on my own. I'm not... I'm not mature enough. You know what? I might have a big, lush pubic bush, but that does not maketh me a man. I'm a child. I'm masquerading in a man's body back here.
Jess
All right. Just stop talking about your lush pubic bush. I'll come with you.
I use a volumising conditioner, in case you're wondering.
[Jess rings doorbell] No, no! What are you doing?! I'm mentally preparing myself, you fool!
Bonjour. I am French and I am selling... la cheese.
TTina
You're selling cheese?
No, it is, um... how would you say? La fromage avec le milk... of la monkey francais.
TTina
Fuck off. [Closes door] Shit.
Jess
You're selling... monkey cheese?
So, no, no, no. I fucking panicked, didn't I? It was the first thing that sprung to mind. Shit!
Jess
Monkey cheese?
Well, you think of summat, then!
Jess
Double glazing.
Oh, well, really?! Really? That's original, isn't it? She already has it. She has double glazing. So, that's no sale.
Jess
[Reaches for doorbell] D'you want to try again?
No, I don't! Don't! Try again?! Christ! I can't tell her I'm not a French monkey-cheese salesman! I'm gonna look fucking ridiculous, aren't I? Right, and we wouldn't want that, would we? I'm not that guy, am I?
Jess
What guy? A French monkey-cheese salesman?
No, not a frigging French monkey-cheese.
Jess
The guy who does good noble shit and saves his... saves his parents' marriage. Well, you... you might be that guy. Maybe you just need a bit of practice. [They hear Tina within apartment]
TTina
I can't do this any more! [They look in front door but cannot see her so they do round back, peering in back door from a fence]
DGDark Geoff
[Abusing Tina] I told you. I told you what I'd do if you ever tried to leave me.
TTina
Geoff, please, don't!
DGDark Geoff
I will find you and I will hurt you.
DGDark Geoff
Why do you do this? You make me like this. You're playing games with me. You think you can play games? Try it. Clean yourself up. You're fucking disgusting.
[Uses a fire extinguisher to bust open Abbey's locker and finds a pouch, dipping finger in to discover a powdery stubstance] Oh, hello.
Jess
[Appears with community servers] That's Abbey's locker.
Does this explain why that dewy-eyed my-little-fuckwit isn't turning up for her community service? She likes to rave, does she? She off her face in a field somewhere, dancing with the little bunny rabbits? [Hyperactively dances] Aceeed! A-a-a-aceeed! Aceeed! A-a...
[Raises index finger] It's sherbet.
[Walks up to community servers and sprays around powder, with Rudy coughing] Think of her as your child. This precious little life, those eyes... staring up at you. So full of love. Her mouth... puckered around your teat. I'm holding each and every one of you personally responsible for her. So when was the last time anyone actually saw Abbey?
[In locker room] All this time, I've been searching for something - a connection. All those random guys... and cocks and all they did was make me feel even more empty inside. But with Laura, it's different. She... makes me feel complete.
Jess
So, that's the big mystery solved, then. You're a lesbian.
Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a lesbian.
[Points at her] Well done! [Abbey salutes Rudy]
[Community servers are scraping off flypostings on a wall]
Jess
What's up with you?
I think the probation worker fancies me.
Oh, for God's sake, Finn, you monkey-faced prick, does he heck!
I'm serious. I... I think he's in love with me. You should see the way he looks at me with his... with his hungry eyes.
Was he looking at you like this? 'Cause this is me thinking that you're a little twat.
Am I? Well, he gave me a finger of his KitKat.
Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book, you douche.
Come on. Really? You just... You take the finger of the KitKat, you insert it up your anus, you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that's good times. It was a more innocent time, I'll have you know, when children were allowed to be bloody children. Thank you very much, judgy.
I smelt it. And either the probation worker's arse smells of chocolate, or... it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.
So what did you do with it?
[Preparing to bury Greg whose body is in a wheelchair] Do you want to say a few words?
Er... thanks for the memories. [Dumps Greg's body into hole who groans awake with Rudy whacking Greg with shovel and falling back onto dirt heap] What are you doing?!
I'm fucking panicking, aren't I, Finn?!
Jesus! So you didn't check for a pulse, then?!
Dude, get in the fucking hole and check for a pulse!
[Jumps into hole then calls phone] Jess? I found the situation.
Jess
Where are you?
I'm sitting on the situation.
Jess
What situation are you talking about?
The probation worker situation.
Jess
The Abby situation. What's the probation worker situation?
He tried to fuck me. So I accidentally killed him. At least, I thought I'd killed him, but then Rudy hit him with a spade, so now... he might actually be dead. [Greg groans awake] No, he isn't! He's alive! He's alive again! What's the Abby situation?
Jess
She's taken an overdose.
Jess
She's alive.
Right, good. Well, that's a start. Er...
Jess
You take care of that situation and we'll take care of this situation.
Jess
Er... Bye!
Jess
[Brings up Abbey] Okay. [Pokes Abbey's mouth who vomits]
Misfits · 556 quotes
