Rudy Wade quotes from Misfits

How've you got in here?

Broke a window.

[Tuts] D'you know, this isn't working out for either of us. I think we should stay split.

Per... permanently?

Why not? You've had your moment in the sun. You've got it all off your chest. Consider me humiliated. You're your own man now. We can go our separate ways, separate lives. We don't have to see each other ever again. What d'you say? Maybe you could move to Wales,

I've no fucking intention of going there! So you can walk around like you're happy all the time?

It works for me. I don't need you turning up every time I feel down, reminding me of everything that makes me feel shit about meself.

Yeah, but it's a part of who you are.

No. It's a part of who you are. Mate, all this fighting, arguing, nobody wants to get stabbed in the shoulder with a pair of scissors. It's not cool, and it hurts. C'mon, man, let's just stay split. I'm gonna take your moody silence as a "yes".

Try not to break another window on your way out.

Jesus!

Rudy

[A cop car pulls up behind them] Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.

Simon

Whose car is it?

Rudy

Nicked it off a man with a perm. A man, with a perm. What's that about?

Kelly

We can't get caught in no nicked car. We're all on probation.

Rudy

Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love. [Skip to them all in the jumpsuits looking at Rudy] Honestly, guys... I thought they'd let you off with a warning.

Shaun

[Walks in clapping] That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.

Rudy

[To Kelly writing in a notebook on rooftop] What you doing?

Kelly

Designing a new propulsion system.

Rudy

Why?

Kelly

Because I'm a fucking rocket scientist!

Rudy

Ah! Are we doing catchphrases? Maybe we could all have one. Mine could be, "Now you see me... now you see two of me."

Curtis

Why do we need catchphrases?

Rudy

You know, for when shit goes down, man. Oh, c'mon, d'you really think we're just gonna spend the next seven weeks ambling about, picking up litter?

Simon

He's got a point.

Alisha

Yeah, well, maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe there won't be any shit going down.

Rudy

Oh, trust me, there'll be shit. It's in the air. I can smell it.

Rudy

You should do the Lottery. Use your power. See the numbers. Take their trousers down, we'll stick it to 'em, split it 50/50.

Simon

Why should I split it with you?

Rudy

Because it was my idea, you! I'm the brains, you're the stare. Okay. 60/50.

Simon

[Chuckles] It's supposed to add up to 100.

Rudy

Whoa, don't even think about screwing me, [swipes Simon's cheek with paint scraper handle] sweet cheeks! 70/40. Final offer.

Simon

I don't get to choose what I see.

Rudy

Ah! Fine! 80/30. But I feel like I'm being raped here, and not in a good way.

Alisha

What are you smiling at?

Curtis

What? Am I not allowed to smile?

Alisha

You look like you just got laid.

Kelly

Have you just had a shag?

Curtis

Something like that.

Alisha

Who's the lucky girl?

Curtis

You don't know her.

What d'you want?

Rudy

I want you to come for a drink with me. Just one drink.

I'm not interested, okay?!

Rudy

You don't know what you're missing. I know how to please a woman.

[Shaun puts hand on her rear] Take your fucking hand off my arse before I break it!

Rudy

Oh, my mistake. [She walks away] Lesbian.

Rudy

Ho, ho! Oh, that were brutal, weren't it? That were like watching someone fist a baby lamb. She just took a huge shit in your mouth!

Curtis

Shut the fuck up, man!

Rudy

All right. Look, it... you know, it happens to all of us. Women are cruel and insensitive, and they are hurtful. But they're so beautiful. They smell really nice. They smell like... toffee apples.

[Lying to find a head between her legs] Emma?! What are you doing?!

Rudy

I'm, er... I'm pleasuring you. [Emma appears] It's not generally a spectator sport, is it?

I thought it was you! [Emma walks away]

Rudy

Is that why you were calling me Emma?

[Gets up after her] Emma! Wait!

Rudy

Got one of your pubic hairs stuck in me throat here.

Rudy

It was you, you've done this to me.

Curtis

No one needs to know about that. And next time you find a girl unconscious, you don't touch her. You get it?

Rudy

I was checking on you. Hm? It was you that was all grabbing me, nuh-nuh-nuh, kissing me and pushing me head down. I don't even like doing that. So who's the real victim here?

Curtis

You never heard the saying, "no means no"?

Rudy

Yeah, but you didn't say no. You said, "Suck my nipples."

Curtis

I was spiked! I thought you were someone else. You didn't think it was strange when I started calling you Emma?

Rudy

People say all kinds of weird shit during sex. I was fucking this bird this one time, right, I'm about to blow my load, and I went, "Auntie!" What's that all about?

Curtis

You should've known.

Rudy

You never look a gift horse in the mouth, do you? That's one fine looking gift horse you've got there. [Starts retching and coughing] Oh! Ooh, I've got it. [Holds up a hair]

Kelly

Ugh, is that a pube?

Rudy

Mmm! D'you want it back?

Alisha

[Laughs] Did you?

Rudy

For a bloke, he's got a lovely pussy.

Curtis

Fuck it. [Walks away]

Rudy

Hmm.

Shaun

[Seeing Rudy and Rudy Two] Who the fuck is this?

It's my auntie. Who do you think he is?

Shaun

What, you've got a twin brother?

Nowt's getting past you, is it, today? Check out the big brains on the probation worker here.

Shaun

Why's her wearing a jumpsuit?

Because... sometimes I do my community service, sometimes he does it. We like to mix things up.

It keeps it interesting.

Shaun

This isn't a job share. Whoever does the crime, does the boring, mindless shit.

I have a question, right? What if we we're conjoined twins, yeah, with our heads? They're all mashed together, and we go out in the town, for a few beers, some bloke sees us and he's like, "Oi! You two-headed fuck!" He flips out, goes mental and batters the guy. Who does the community service then? Because they, they are conjoined with one massive head but with two personalities.

Shaun

Well, we'll come to that bridge when we come to it.

All right.

Shaun

I'm going to pretend like I never saw this, because I really can't be arsed. Just make sure one of you turns up. [Leaves]

Curtis

[In disbelief] Oh man. That's insane.

The old conjoined twins mind fuck works every time. Doesn't it?

Oh, they're... they're gonna... they're gonna find us!

No! They're not gonna find us, cause I have a plan. We're gonna go to Mum and Dad's.

What?!

They're our parents! They're legally obliged to hide us!

Oh, yes, because I am sure they are dying to get involved. Last time Dad seen you, he called you a "little cunt"!

They fucking love me, man.

Do they?

Yes. They worship me. In fact, sometimes, I think Mum loves me er... too much!

Rudy

What about them Nazis, hey?

Curtis

What about 'em?

Rudy

Very bossy. You're not taking the bait at all. You're making... You're gonna make me come right out and say it. [Whispers]

Curtis

Are you part of the resistance? [Curtis slams Rudy's head against wall pointing gun at his head] Oh! I'll take that as a yes.! Good. It's nice to meet you, mate!

Curtis

Who are you?!

Rudy

I've got one of them bullshit powers! Nazis are after me!

Curtis

Show me!

Curtis

You go in there to kill him and you end up saving his life? Just explain to me exactly how that happens.

Kelly

I couldn't kill him. He was trying to kill himself.

Curtis

Then you leave him to it. Job done. He was prepared to hang himself rather than let those bastards have the powers.

Kelly

He's on our side.

Curtis

That's no good to us if the Nazis have got him. We missed our shot. We might not get another.

Rudy

Hmm, now then. That's like the, er, story of the Tortoise and the Hare.

Curtis

Eh?

Rudy

Or is it the owl... owl and the pussycat? Something about a lion and a dog? Two in the hand is worth... one in the bush, isn't it?

Curtis

Stop stealing the alcohol.

Rudy

I thought you said to just help myself?

Curtis

I said; stay the fuck away from the bar!

Curtis

[Hears tires screeching] They're here!

Rudy

[Curtis is operating blender] What?

Curtis

[Shaun bursts into bar with soldiers guns drawn with Curtis and Rudy sitting at table with smoothies in martini glasses] What's going on?

Shaun

What do you think? It's a raid. Who are you?

Curtis

I work here. [To Rudy] And you?

Rudy

Er, I'm his... gay lover. I'm... the giver, he's the taker. I'm the butch, he's the bitch. I'm the sausage, he's the muffin!

Shaun

You're aware that homosexuality is illegal?

Rudy

Oh! I were jokin'. 'Cause, er... he's me cousin, from me...

Shaun

Shut the fuck up.

Officer Smith

So you have the power? And now, you can put it back in him.

Shaun

He's just taken it out of him.

Officer Smith

We can't afford for anyone to have this power. Too much could change. It dies with the old man.

Shaun

I won't do it.

Officer Smith

[Grabs Simon and shoves him into position to shoot Friedrich] Shoot him. Shoot the old man. Take out your side arm, and shoot him. That is a direct order!

Shaun

Take your fucking gun out and shoot him! [Officer Smith shoots Friedrich]

Officer Smith

Get him out!

Curtis

[Walks in] Take your fucking hands off me.

Rudy

Leave him alone!

Officer Smith

Put the power in him. I will shoot... EVERY PERSON IN THESE CELLS UNITL YOU DO AS I SAY!

Curtis

Don't do it.

Seth

I'm sorry. [Puts power into Curtis]

Officer Smith

[Shoots Curtis in the head and shoots him twice more] And that's the end of that.

Shaun

There's an anger management counselor here for you.

Rudy

For me? [Gives Simon a look]

Shaun

Yeah. It's all part of your "ongoing rehabilitation." [To Simon] Did you have the last Twix?

Simon

Yes. [Shaun grabs it from him] She's waiting for you in my office. Enjoy. [Leaves]

Rudy

For fuck's sake. It wasn't even me, it was him.

Simon

Who?

Rudy

Who do you think? [Points to his chest] This whiny little prick in here. The other me. I was seeing this girl, right. Nice girl, Dutch-Irish. Had a webbed foot. Left foot, fine. Right foot, just a little bit creepy. Might have been the other way around. Anyway, so we have this great big row, we end up breaking up. Honestly, I weren't that bothered. Cause there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that. She couldn't wear flip-flops. Because of the web, she had no toe-groove. Anyway, so we split up. You know, she's really angry, starts running her mouth off, all gets a little bit personal. Honestly, dude, I were fine with it, mate. Not him. He starts getting himself all upset, ends up trashing her car, she rang the police. Boom.

Simon

So that's why you're on community service?

Rudy

Yes! Y-Yes. He did it, I took the rap. I'm totally innocent. Mmm. Yes. We should write a campaign song. Do some wristbands. You, you're very clever, aren't you, eh?