RRudy
This is such bullshit.
[About anger management counselor] She's onto you. I think she knows.
RRudy
She doesn't know anything.
She knows you're a bedwetter.
RRudy
I'm not a bedwetter! I haven't done that in years.
RRudy
Now, listen, that was one time. And I was drunk. Right? And everybody does that anyway, so it's different.
We should go back in. She's making some good points, man.
RRudy
No, I'm not having you in here. [points to his chest] You're popping out every time she gets personal. You can wait for me outside.
[Rudy walks into washroom] W... Where have you been?
What is that? Is that a love? Ugh! It's a love bite! What are you, a 12-year-old girl? [Laughs] You are fucking Kelly! I knew it.
RRudy
It's not Kelly. It's Clare.
Hang on, that explains a few things, does that...
RRudy
What do you mean? Your fuck-buddy has just wanked me off.
RRudy
Yeah, I know! She just whipped it out, she starts plugging away on it like she were trying to break it.
Right, and why didn't you stop her?
RRudy
Why would I do that? Eh? God, she's intense, though, man.
Did she do all that crying straight after? I mean, like, crying immediately afterwards. I can't... I can't believe this. I've just shot me load, she starts getting all heavy, like, "I shouldn't be doing this, I am a total mess." [Mimics sobbing]
RRudy
At one point, I was honestly considering just shoving me cock into her mouth just to shut her up, mate.
Oi! Now you stop it! You don't talk about my girlfriend like that. [Laughs] No... No! You're not... you're not going out with her, man.
RRudy
Well, she's better than some of the skanky horrible sluts you end up with. She's old and she's a... psychopath and she cries after she's wanked people off. She cries because she cares. Unlike you.
No, you... Listen. You don't get to choose. I choose. And that's how this thing works, right? Now, you get back in here, because I am not having people thinking I'm fucking a 40-year-old woman.
RRudy
No. I love her. And I don't care what you think.
Don't you walk out this room.
It's a body-swap. They must've switched places.
RudyOh, my God. This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in Face/Off.
Face/Off wasn't a body-swap. They had surgery to look like each other.
Rudy
Oh.
This is more like Freaky Friday.
Who gives a shit? What are we going to do about Kelly?
Rudy
Never watched one, mate. I'm more of an E.T. man, me. I fucking love that little cunt- [Curtis covers his mouth]
How do you mean, it's like a zombie film?
Anyone who was brought back to life, it's like they need to feed. It's infectious. If you get bitten, you become one of them.
Hang on a minute. He brought Shannon back from the dead. Are you saying she's a zombie?
Who's Shannon? [Kelly runs away] Wait, Kelly! [Cat hisses] What are we gonna do with this frigging cat?!
CCheerleader
[Rudy goes out in hall] Have you got any change for the vending machine?
Rudy
Just... fuck off! [Runs away] No, no... don't touch me! Don't touch me! Fuck off! Fucking fuckers!
[Walking out onto rooftop] Are you okay?
Rudy
I was 13. I'd just come in from school, so... I poured myself a nice, cold, nourishing glass of milk. Head into the lounge to watch ]][[w:Blue Peter|Blue Peter, good, wholesome family entertainment. I open the door... and I see my dad. And he is just... he's just fucking the hell out of my mum. Faces all, like, contorted, like that. Like a wild animal. She was dressed like a cheerleader. Little skirt... pompoms, everything.
Rudy
Whoa!
Rudy
That image haunted me all the way through puberty. I can't even sit down and have a relaxing wank without it popping into my head. Every time I shut my eyes. It scarred me. It scarred me. You know some people are scared of clowns? For me, it's cheerleaders.
No one's scared of clowns.
It's called coulrophobia.
Rudy
Yeah, well, so, imagine your dad is dressed as a clown and he's... fucking your mum, like that.
Why would my dad be dressed as a clown?
Rudy
Well, I don't know what he gets up to in the privacy of his own home, sick pervert, do I? Fucking cheerleaders, man. ooh, fuck.
Will someone please tell me why I'm here?
Really?! You'd better not be here to fuck with us again.
Sorry about the whole brainwashing thing. Got a bit carried away.
Rudy
Hey, don't sweat it. It's fine.
Rudy
Yeah, I know, but you forgive and you forget, man. And I forgive you.
Rudy
For whatever it was they were talking about.
What's it like? Being dead.
Well, the big news is there's no God.
Rudy
Ohh, ho-ho! Thank fuck for that! I might've done one or two things that weren't exactly... Christian in the strictest sense of the word.
Well, none of it matters anyway, so...
Rudy
Yeah, if there's no God. That's a result.
[Appears in hallway to community servers sitting in wheelchairs with Rudy doing stationary wheelies besides a smashed vending machine] What are you doing?
Rudy
We are relaxing.
Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?
Yeah, they sent someone. Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly.
The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader. [Points to Rudy] He battered her to death with a baseball bat.
Rudy
Mmm. She had a shocker of a day.
What happened to the vending machine?
Rudy
Oh, that's a funny thing, that. I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly.
[Laughs] I'm off my fucking tits!
Look at you. You're out of control. Completely immoral. You're feral.
Right. [Clears throat and wheels forward] All we have ever done is defend ourselves from you and every other fucker that's tried to kill us. We've done our best, and if you've gota problem with that, then fuck you! Like you're so perfect?! Sort your own shit out. I think we've done all right, considering.
Rudy
I think we've done more than all right, love. [Points to hole in vending machine] Free chocolate.
[Runs into Tony in hallway ] You? [Grabs fire extinguisher and slams it on Tony's head]
Jesus! Will you... just stop hitting me!
[Appears with Curtis with Rudy dry humping Rachel in atrium] So, you met the old probation worker, then?
He's back too. Seems okay.
There was something I had to...
Rudy
[Rachel vomits] Whoa!
Rudy
Whoa, man, she's just been sick!
Rudy
[Kneels down at Rachel's feet] What's going on? What's with all the tears?
I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. Got drunk, I took drugs. I had sex. And I've sworn like a cunt. And I'm still here, I haven't moved on. And now I just feel cheap and dirty. [Buttons up shirt] I feel sick and horrible. I just want to know why I'm here.
Rudy
Well, I think that takes a bit of working out. You know the attractive older probation worker that the starey guy... didn't have sex with? Yeah, well, she thought she was here for revenge, you know, 'cause the others had killed her and everything.
Some spirits come back for revenge?
Rudy
Yeah, but not her. Turns out she came back to hook up with her... boyfriend, which is actually quite sweet and moving. If you like that sort of thing.
Rudy
[Leans into her] Look at you. You're so beautiful. [Recoils back] No! No, no... you smell of sick! No, thank you!
Rudy
Poor thing, she's in a right mess. Shall I make her a cup of tea? Do ghosts even like tea? Do they? Ooh.
You killed me. And then you turned me into a nasty little slut. Like you.
There's nothing wrong with us, mate. You're the one with sick down your top.
You're everything I always hated. [Holds up a boxcutter knife]
Rudy
Whoa! What are you doing?
This is why I came back. Revenge.
Rudy
Listen, you don't mean that. Yeah? I thought we were all gonna be friends here, weren't we? Let's not do this. Eh? Just put it down... [Alisha appears who gets her throat slashed by Rachel who then disappears]
Misfits · 556 quotes
