Kelly Bailey quotes from Misfits

If I was trying to wind you up, I think I’d be a little more creative. “I know what film you saw last summer.”

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Kelly

I told you there'd be other people who got messed up by the storm. And you didn't believe me.

Yeah, well, I was wrong wasn't I? There's a hurricane of weird shit out there! [Alisha makes a gesture alluding to cunilingus] Oh, another oral sex gag! Brilliant!

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[Social worker Sally walks in with Jodi] Who's that?

Kelly

It's a girl I had a fight with. I got to do some restorative justice bollocks with her.

[Raises hand like a bodybuilder] Hey, Bono, yeah?

What?

I don't know why I bother.

Jodi's here. Come on.

Ben

[Alisha's holding up a dress] Suits you.

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[To Kelly sitting far apart from Jodi on a couch in office] So, have you anything you'd like to say to Kelly?

JJodi

I've got nothing to say to her!

Kelly, would you like to tell Jodi why you hit her?

Kelly

Yeah, 'cause if you go around saying someone's a slag, you're gonna get a slap. [Jodi sucks teeth] Is there something up your teeth?!

Okay, how are you two going to resolve this? [Nathan rollerskates past office window doing a sustained singing note with Kelly amused and Sally opens office door] Take the roller skates off! And the goggles! Take them off!

Ah, this is bullshit. We're never gonna be mates!

Kelly

I heard you and Darren broke up.

JJodi

Yeah.

Kelly

I heard he dumped yah. What's that about?

JJodi

What is it you?!

Let's keep things friendly!

Kelly

You're better off without him. He's a rat faced glue sniffer.

Kelly.

JJodi

Are you sayin' he's got a rat face?!

Kelly

Yeah, he's a proper ratty.

JJodi

[Stands up] Don't even be talking about him?!

Kelly

[Stands up] What'd you care?! 'Cause he dumped yah! [Flicks off Jodi's hat who punches Kelly who headbutts Jodi]

Kelly!

JJodi

[Mindread by Kelly] You see how it feels, bitch! [To Sally manhandling her out of office] She's getting life! She headbutt me!

Just get out!

JJodi

You slut whore!

Just calm down!

Kelly

[Throws chair out of office] Shut up, you twat!

Kelly!

Kelly

I was trying to be nice! [Voice of thought] Yeah, I had an attitude.

I think that went pretty well.

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You alright?

Kelly

What?

You're usually a whole lot gobbier than this.

Kelly

No, I'm not.

Come on, you haven't punched me in a few hours. I'm worried about you.

Kelly

I'm fine. How comes you're living in the Community Centre, anyway?

Do we have to be that intimate with each other's lives? No, I don't think so. Not so big on the sharing. I'm not getting a shag now I'm a homeless. Those Big Issue guys aren't getting any. Oh, shit! She can hear that! When are you gonna learn?!

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Hurray! It's the starlet of justice!

Kelly

I was only saying that the lad that she used to go out with was a dick. I was only being nice.

Oh, yeah, you were being lovely. Right up until you threw the chair at her.

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I like your cap. [Takes off her cap and her wig comes off too]

Kelly

No! [Runs away in absolute embarassment]

What...

Did you know she was bald?

'Course not, twat. Jesus.

She looked like an alien.

Ah, don't be mean. [Then admits laughing] She did, didn't she? A bald alien! Shh. I should probably try and find her. [Holds up cap and wig] You know.

[To Simon] Can't you see we're trying to have an awkward conversation? Move! Go! [Simon leaves, then to Curtis] The sex wasn't that bad, was it?

You don't get it, do you? [Leaves]

There's nothing wrong with me! You're the one with the problem!

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Are you all right?

Kelly

No, I'm not all right, you prick. I'm bald!

I've got your cap... and your wig.

Kelly

I don't want you to see me like this.

All right, listen, I'll close my eyes. I'm gonna throw them down, OK?

Kelly

Keep them shut. Don't look!

So, I thought that whole moving-the-bodies thing went pretty well, you know, considering.

Kelly

If you laugh at me, I will kick the shit out of ya.

I'm not gonna laugh. Who's laughing?

Kelly

Well, don't.

So... what's with the baldness?

Kelly

This morning, I was in the shower, and me hair started falling out.

What did the doctor say?

Kelly

They don't know. They're gonna have to send me for some tests.

So what are we talking about here? Are we talking about upstairs and down?

Kelly

What?!

You know? Do you have a bald fanny? [Kelly starts pushing and slapping him] Oh! For fuck's sake!

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They are gonna think the probation worker is still alive. I stole his credit card. I used it to book a flight.

That is smart!

Kelly

You're dead good at stuff like that.

Yeah! Nice one, weird kid.

We should all go out for drink, you know, to celebrate. It's like an ironic "fuck you" to the probation worker. We're all out having a good time - you're buried under the foundations of an environmental monitoring station.

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[Walking through door to locker room] Oh, my God! That is such a shamer. [Sees Nathan reenacting sex scene with mimicking masturbation gestures]

Do you think he's told the others?

Bashing himself out of it.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he told 'em.

And she was totally clicking the mouse off herself, man.

Kelly

No way!

They were just, like, really face-to-face. He was wanking, she was flicking her own bean, right in each other's face.

You should've filmed it.

Work that bean! Work that bean,

Kelly, my love! Oh! Er, hi.

Shut up. You enjoyed it, you pervert. [To Simon] What? Do you want to have a look too?

No, thanks. I'm okay.

Can I have another look?

Prick.

Does anyone actually know what he got done for?

Kelly

Says it was for eating pick 'n' mix.

That's bullshit.

Kelly

Are you two, like, together?

Yeah, I guess. It's weird, yeah? Cos of my bullshit power thing, we don't actually have proper sex. We just stare at each other and wank ourselves off. But it is really special.

[Using trash pick uppers to violate Simon] Come on. It's not gay 'cause we're not touching. All you want to do is get down to it and you can't, cos...

SSam

[Community servers walk out door and walks up to Nathan] Hi.

[Walking on] That's really disgusting.

It's not fucking disgusting.

When did you get out?

SSam

A few days ago. It's good to see you.

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LLee (Kelly's fiancé)

[Finds an engagement ring in a car he's stealing] Kel? Do you wanna marry me? ...What?

Kelly

That is so fucking romantic!

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This is your chance to talk about community service.

It's... bullshit.

So do you think that you have learned anything?

Yeah. Don't get caught.

Fine... how do you think you have changed?

I think I'm taller.

Kelly

[Repeatedly] They graffiti and we clean it off. What is that about?

[Answers phone] Ooh, hello?

[sings] Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff in the jungle, innit in the jungle! Raff...

You're fuckin' lying! [Laughs]

Kelly

Do I look like I'm some kind of fuckin' knob? Do I?

It's not easy, being you, is it?

What do you mean?

I mean, how do you get along with the others? It must be hard. You're not like them. You're more... mature.

Kelly

[Sweeping floor with bifurcated sweepers with Nathan] Why has he been in there longer than the rest of us?

He's obviously making more progress. He's such a little arse-kisser.

So have you thought about what you want to do when this is over?

I don't know.

Would you like to go to college or get a j...? [Nathan gibbers at office window using sweeper to allude to cunilingus with tongue motions] He's such a twat. Sorry, that was really unprofessional.

He is a twat.

So, what do you like doing? Come on, there must be something.

I like making videos, editing them together and that.

Really? Well, I have a friend who runs an editing suite. I could ask him about some work experience for you, if that's what you're interested in.

Yeah.

There's no need to look so shocked. I'm not that bad, am I?

No.

I should do some work. [Simon walks to door] Thank you.

For what?

It's nice there's someone I can actually have a conversation with.

Thanks.

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Kelly

We never did find out who was putting notes in our lockers.

What did I say? I said they had nothing. They were just pissing in the wind.

You don't know what they got on us.

Maybe they're watching us right now.

This shit is old news. We have outfoxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy. [To Kelly] You like that, huh? Yeah.

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[Cleaning windows with Kelly and Simon] What if I can talk to animals?

Kelly

Why would you even think that?

I saw this basset hound eating a kebab off the pavement. I was like, "You dirty bastard," and this basset hound gave me a right funny look.

Kelly

He probably thought you were a twat.

No, it wasn't that kind of look. It was more like, "Are you talking to me? "Are you talking to me?" [Sees women walking by with babies] See? Babies. That's why I always use a condom. And if the girl looks dirty, I use two. [Elbow nudges Kelly] Belt and braces!

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Kelly

Is that your tea?

[shows what he got from the vending machine] Starter, main course, dessert. And a nice refreshing beverage to wash it down.

Kelly

You can't live on that shit. Why don’t you come round my house and I’ll cook you dinner?