CurtisHi. It's Curtis. From yesterday. Why did you ask to change models?
AAlly
I don't have to explain myself to you.
Curtis
Did I do something to offend you? Look, it's obvious you've got some kind of problem with me, so why don't you just tell me what it is?
AAlly
I think that people like you and people like me should stick to our own kind.
Curtis
[Scoffs] You're racist?
AAlly
That's your word. You can call it that if you want. I call it that because that's what it is.
Curtis
She's a racist.
Curtis
What? No! Ally. No.
Lovely blind Ally with her shiny hair, she smells of roses. No.
Curtis
She asked to change models cause I'm black. She's a racist.
She's blind. I think it... That cancels it out, does it not cancel...?
Curtis
There ain't no canceling out. What about Stevie Wonder?
Curtis
What's your point?
Blind and black, you idiot. [Points at Curtis] Ebony and [points to self] ivory. Why can't we all just sit together? In perfect harmony! With... [sings] Paul McCartney... [normal voice] who was a vegan. [Laughs] He weren't a racist.
Curtis
I've no fucking idea what you're talking about.
Stevie Wonder. Old...wobbly head, that's me way in.
Curtis
To what?
To curing her of her terrible racism. [Curtis stares in stunned silence]
[Steps in front of Seth carrying box in locker room] Hi. I- I was just... How are you?
I'm all right, just getting Kelly's things.
Here's a... a purely... theoretical... hypothetical question. But say there was someone I... needed you to take a power from. [Whispers] How would that Work?
It wouldn't. I'm retired.
Retired? But you're so young and handsome. So much more to give.
No. [Curtis and Jess enters]
Curtis
What's going on?
I think he's asking me to take someone's power.
Asking you "to take someone's power"? That's hilarious.
[Enters] Right! I know what is going on at home.
What d'you... what d'you mean? Your home?
Stop lying! It's wrote all over your monkey-ish...little face. There, there! There!
I kn... I know it looks bad... keeping someone a prisoner like that, and tying 'em up and making them shit in a bucket, but...it's not what you think. She's me girlfriend. Girlfriend! Girlfriend. I didn't see that coming. She's got a power. She can make me into a perfect boyfriend. Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it. I stopped drinking, I stopped... I stopped going out with me mates. All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering. The conversations. We had to discuss everything. Me jaw physically ached from all the talking. That and the hours of cunnilingus. I practically lived with me face between her thighs. Some days I felt like I didn't see the sun. Oh, man, that is just... There's no man that could live like that. A few weeks ago, she went to Ibiza with her friends, leaving me to deep-clean the flat. With her being away, her hold over me faded and... I realised what she was doing and I did the only thing I could do. I tied her up and gagged her. To stop her using her power on me.
Why didn't you just leave her?!
You can't just tie people up and keep 'em prisoner! It's weird and it's just fucking creepy.!
I was only doing it till I found a cure. Then we could be together again. It's gonna be like it was.
You don't think she's gonna be a tiny bit angry with you?
Maybe, at first. But what was I supposed to do? Just give up on her? It's easy to walk away, isn't it? I won't do that. We'll get through this, so you can fuck off judging me! You think this is easy? You think I'd do this if I didn't love her? Come round, wipe her arse. See how much fun that is. You have no idea. So fuck you's all!
You should probably know that the other me, he's gone round to your flat and he's... well, he's breaking into the room where you've got your girlfriend all tied up. D'you know, I thought it was a talking dog, me. [Laughs]
Curtis
So where are you gonna live?
Well, we have found a spacious, rent-free home with a panoramic view of a lake.
You mean you're moving into the community centre.
[Points at her] There's no flies on you, is there? Clever. [Puts arms around Finn and shakes him] We're gonna be flatmates. Hmm? Hmm? No? Come on. And you two should move in with us. Imagine all of us living under same roof like one big, happy family... like The Waltons.
Curtis
I see that happening, you fucking prick.
Well, that's a shame, and that's why you're never gonna be in The Waltons. I fucking love The Waltons, man. It's just, it's good, wholesome, family entertainment. I tell you, the cunts don't make telly like that any more.
Curtis
Who are you?
LLola
I'm here for Weight Watchers.
Curtis
Seriously?
Curtis
Curtis. So if you're not here for Weight Watchers, why are you here?
LLola
I'm a trainee probation worker.
Curtis
[Scoffs] You? You're a trainee probation worker?
LLola
Is that going to be a problem for you?
Curtis
I'll manage.
LLola
Good. It's nice to meet you... Curtis.
Curtis
Has any of you seen Lola? The trainee probation worker?
Do we have a trainee probation worker? Nobody tells me anything. I'm outside the loop.
Shh. Listen, if she's cute... Dude, I saw her first, so legally that is first dibs.
Curtis
You don't even know who I'm talking about.
Misfits · 556 quotes
