Guys, you aren't going to die, you'll be fine-
NathanStop saying die, use a different word.
Use a different phrase like-
Nathan
Something like, uh, something that's good instead of death, like-
MMuderface
Hamburger Time.
[pause]
Nathan
Hamburger Time, perfect. Say Hamburger Time.
Nathan
Use Hamburger Time, alright?
[pause]
Well as long as you guys are all worried about, uh... Hamburger Time, uh, maybe it would help a little bit if you guys all went to the doctor. Got a checkup.
[the band grumbles against this]
Look, my uncle had a big huge thing growing on his neck, and fine. Then he goes to the doctor: cancer. Bing Bang Boom! Hair out, Hamburger Time.
Nathan
I just don't want some guy with no reason to live fuck with my mouth, you know what I mean?
Why can'ts it be a ladies boobs whats cleans your teeth?
[pause, then Murderface and Nathan start chuckling]
Nathan
Usually you have really bad ideas, but that-
That's a billion-dollar idea.
Nathan
Cleaning your teeth with tits!
Dudes, we party too hard, so our bodies are in terrible shape. We gotta trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape. And there's only one way to do that. Bleach. [holds up a jug of bleach] Here, drink this Murderface. [hands it to Murderface]
Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, buts, why don'ts we just pours bleach into our cups of...urines?
[looking angry at the suggestion] No! Drink the bleach!
Nathan
Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.
[drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?
There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?
Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!
That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.
Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.
Nathan
Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.
I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]
[Nathan and his dentist are hunting]
Nathan Explosion
Hey man I gotta tell ya. One of the coolest hunting trips I've ever been on.
DDentist
I'm really glad we've become pals, Mr. Explosion. Check this out. [sticks his rifle in his mouth and kills himself]
WHAT YOU MEAN WE CAN'TS DO SECRETS SANTAS?!
Nathan
Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
We don'ts thinks it ams Metal to bes nice to each others.
Toki, why don't you drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
I ain'ts listens to yous no more! I'm going shoppings. Yes! Shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gifts. And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces, when I gets you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! [leaves]
Nathan
I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.
Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.
Nathan
Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."
Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?
Shall I burn it, my lords?
Nathan
No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.
(Dethklok's mothers are busy decorating the Mordhaus Rec Room. Sveltana Skwigelf is bent over, wrapping a present, as Murderface leers at her buttocks lecherously. Skwisgaar is drinking a bottle of vodka, looking rather irritated)
Nathan
Hey Skwisgaar, Murderface is eyeing up your mom like a fucking piece of meat.
(sourly) Yes. I am noticings this. Thats is whys I am drinking.
You just missed another spot.
How many times are you going to pass that spot?!
Nathan
[driving] Where? Which one?
Back there! For God's sake! [Nathan backs up]
Nathan
I can't see with all these people in here! [another car takes the spot referred to]
Fantastic! [Nathan drives some more around the parking lot]
MMurderface
Ahh, Grandma, he's just trying to drive! Leave him alone and back off!
We don't speak to our grandmothers that way! Take this! [slaps Murderface]
Mom! Don't smack Murderface! [gets slapped] Ow!
[Occupant of Other Car] What the hell? You hit my car!
Nathan
Hey! I have four mothers telling me how to drive! What's your excuse, asshole?!
Nathan
I'm sorry!
Nathan
Are you leaving?
[Murderface and Knubbler are sitting on the couch in a skit]
Looks like another wonderful, but lonely Christmas Eve with just you and me, right old pal?
MMurderface
Yup. Looks like the two of us, again.
[doorbell rings]
Oh I guess you know what that sound means...
MMurderface
Oh, the Christmas goose is finished getting microwaved?
[studio laughter]
Noooo. It means we have some guests!
[door opens and Dethklok's mothers enter the scene very drunk d espite Dethklok locking all the booze away.]
MMurderface
[aggravated] And they've been drinking! Yeah, uh take your time staggering in. Like this ain't live TV or anything.
Yes, who would have thought that Dethklok would have mothers? Ha ha...yes...
[doorbell rings]
MMurderface
I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if it was more friendly guests?
opens the door to see Nathan Explosion, who punches Murderface in his face]
Nathan
Why didn't you tell me that this thing was being sponsored by religion? That's not fucking cool dude. [enters]
[Murderface laughs nervously]
Hey watch the F-bombs all right? This...was written, this was written...
[doorbell rings; Dr. Rockso enters]
Oh-k-k-k-k-k-Rockso! Made his way onto the lot with the Christmas party baby!
[enraged] Oh Rockso, you fucking piece of shits! You stole the Christmas presents! I FUCKING KILLS YOU ROCKSO!!!
Out of my way, here it comes! [crashes her Rascal into a big wooden cross, crushing both her and Toki]
AAAAAH!! OW, MY LEG!!! AAAH! TOKI'S LEG!!! [screams and babbles in agony]
Dude, we need a doctor over here!
Dude, we need a fucking doctor over here!
Nathan
Murderface, I think you grandma's, like, hurt or something, you should help her.
MMurderface
Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?
So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
Nathan
Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
[flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
[present]
.... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
MMuderface
My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
[flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
[present]
.... I love that my dad's dead.
Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
[flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
CCalvert
Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
[Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
[present]
Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
Nathan
I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
[Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
Nathan
My dad's fucking awesome.
CComedian
And William Murderface! What's it like spending a day with actual musicians? [Murderface says nothing, while everyone around him laughs] All those years and nothing's rubbed off?
Nathan
[laughing hard] Yeah!
CComedian
Seriously folks, what do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp!
CComedian
And Skwisgaar Skwigelf! You fuck more woman than breast cancer! [more laughs] I'm kidding of course, but back to Murderface. After selling krillions of records, its refreshing to see, that women still won't fuck you! [more laughs, William just looks on] Skinky crack whores who need the money are like, "no thanks."
[softly] That's not true.
Guys I'm nervous. I don'ts even knows how to go abouts this findings a lady business.
Nathan
Oh Toki, that is cute. That's precious.
You need some datin' advice from your pals.
Oh thats would be very helpful Pickle.
Okay, well, heres what you do to meet a lady, alright? You get your tour manager to find you some chick and when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick!
Ja, you pulls out your dicks!
Pulls out your-? Guys, I'm talkings abouts real dates here.
How is that not a real date?
Nathan
Yeah, how is that not a real date Toki?
A date's wheres you actually talks to a girl, and she says stuffs, and you asks her questions, and she talks back-
Questions, waits a minute, questions?! You means like whens we're in courts questions?
Nathan
So this girl wants to get it on with you?
Nathan
Why is that important?
That's when she says she ams ovulatings and that's the chances are highs for whats to be pregnants.
So she wants to have planned sex with you.
Nathan
Sex designed to procreate? Ugh! Fucking gross.
You can't tell me when to have a boner! That's my business!
And you knows what else? [brings up Caroline's photo on his Dethphone] This is what she looks like!
Nathan
Ohhh boy...
She looks like a gorilla whats been shaved!!!
Yeah, well, your in the hot seat. Look, you want some advice, I got some for you, alright? When the 15th comes, you just gotta listen. Alright?
You need listen to your dick Toki. Your dick will tell you exactly what you need to do, alright? Listen to your dick.
Nathan
Yeah, listen to your dick.
Nathan
And also, don't ever get into a room that you can't get out of.
Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
Nathan
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Nathan
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Nathan
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Nathan
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
Nathan
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
Nathan
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
Nathan
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
