What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
NathanYou could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Nathan
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
Nathan
Fucking bad-ass death.
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
Nathan
So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
[flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Nathan
Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
Nathan
[drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Nathan
Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
CComputer
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Nathan
Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
Alls we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Rockso performs and thens we makes our money backs and thens we goes on vacations -- easy!
Nathan
You think this is the first time that group of fucking clowns has tried to reunite?
Nathan
There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing and they didn't even play one song. Cancelled. Then they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. Canceled. Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, I'm not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot you," and he's like, "Well, go ahead and shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out the side of his dick. And uh... they canceled the show. So, that's what I heard.
What the hell happened out there?! You!
Nathan
Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
Nathan
...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
AAssistant
Sir, it's Dethklok.
Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
AAssistant
They claim it's rather urgent.
Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!
I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
Nathan
Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
No neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
Nathan
YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
No he won't! You have to do it!
Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
Nathan
Yeah, you're on C-SPAN!
Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
TSToki's Answering Machine
Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you likes to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.
What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?
Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...
But don't make a fan your girlfriend!
Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.
Nathan
...Hi.
Nathan
Listen, all of you. My girl-fan-friend is fucking awesome, okay?! It's a great relationship!
It's not a relationship, it's an ego booster!
Nathan
She's like totally the most loyal person in the world. She's like a fucking amazing, hot...loyal...Labrador...but with really nice tits.
All we're saying is she kinda sounds like a crazy dildo.
Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.
Nathan
Sweaty nerds!
Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.
[upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!
NINerd in a Wheelchair
Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.
Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?
Nathan
Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?
NNerd
[moving on] Yeah...
FPFat Pickles
Nice Nathan outfit!
Nathan
Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...
Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?
FSFat Skwisgaar
Oh, I do, it's over there...
Ams thats supposed to be me?
FSFat Skwisgaar
Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...
Nathan
[clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!
CConferenceman
Can you guys ever be serious?
Nathan
[smiling] Oh can I ever be serious? Can I ever be serious, that's a good question. Can I ever be serious? I dunno, I guess THAT'S DOABLE! [applause] Thank you! Thank you, I'm really glad everyone loves my catchphrase!
C2Conferenceman 2
How come what's-his-face isn't here?
Nathan
What's-his-face...
C2Conferenceman 2
Uhhh Toki!
Nathan
Toki!
Nathan
I wonder if we forgot him. I wonder if that's doable. Thank you.
So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.
Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?
Nathan
Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.
It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.
Nathan
We're not racists! We don't give a fuck what color our fans are, because we don't give a fuck about our fans! Isn't that right?!
Either way the media thinks your racists.
Nathan
Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.
Nathan
Chinese food.
Nathan
Black, uhhh, liquorice.
Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]
[in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!
Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?
Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?
Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!
One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.
[different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?
Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?
Nathan
[holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?
Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!
Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...
Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...
Nathan
WHAT'S GOING ON TOMAHAWK? [little applause] Okay...uhhhhh-welcome to the very first DethFair, I don't know if you heard, but we're going to play a free concert. [to someone offstage] Free? We're really playing f- playing free concert - [back to crowd] So we brought some pretty cool stuff for the fair, like a pirate ship with the Somali Pirates who are gonna threaten to kill you. You know we have a really big Dorrito that we're- we're gonna see how fast you can eat it. Uhh we have a maybe, million dollar Ferrari Wheel, Ferris Wheel, made of Ferraris.
MMan
GET OFF THE STAGE AND GET US A JOB, PRICK!
Nathan
Well if you guys are so pissed off, why don't you collectively kill yourselves?!
MMan
[silence] YOU'RE A JERK-
Nathan
What was I talking about? Fuck this, I'm done. [knocks microphone off the stand] Fuck you. [to the bandmates] I think that went well.
My mom, is right!! Alright?! This is a fantasy that we're living in! A fucking fantasy!! And I can't impress her, no matter how much money I make, and I realize it's because I don't have a REAL JOB!!!
Nathan
Pickles, calm down!
Nathan
Your mom, is a bitch! You should tell her to go fuck herself!
Whoa BACK UP! You did NOT just say that to me about my mom!
You should go tell your mom to go fucks herselfs.
[infuriated] JUST B- THIS IS MY FAMILY!!
Nathan
Yeah! The family that you hate!
And you also calls dems assholes all the times.
Yeah o- WHOA! Okay...maybe I do. But you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe WE'RE the assholes!
Nathan
[shocked] Pickles! Us?!
YES! And that's why I'm going to go sell cars.
Nathan
[deep in thought] .....you mean houses.
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
