NathanHey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?
Nathan
I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.
Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.
Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-
Nathan
YES! YES! We want spiritual things.
Is that really the reason?
Nathan
Yup. Right guys?
I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"
I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?
Nathan
We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.
Nathan
Yup. Conversation over.
Nathan
[climbing down a ladder with a drunken Toki over his shoulder] I'm only saying it because you're so drunk that you aren't gonna remember it and you won't tell on me for givin' a shit about your life, but man you've been fuckin' way too drunk lately.
Hey Nathans, is the real reasons ya tells me this is because ya cares about me?
Nathan
Oh God...
Nathan
No, Toki, don't do this to me right now and don't throw up.
[Toki throws up]
I want you to stay alive! I want you to stay alive while I torture you! I want you to feel the pain...
[the assassin is about to kill Offdensen; Nathan knocks the assassin in the head with a large piece of wood]
Nathan Explosion
That's my bread and butter you're fucking with!
We are not hiring a replacement manager, it's too fucking soon kemosabe. We're taking on all management uhh... things.
I ams in charge of finance-skial treasuries.
And I'm head of financial business affairs.
Nathan
I'm chief of financial receipts... gathering.
I'm deputy president of financial money.
[dejectedly] And I'ms in charge of snacks... Fucking bullshit!
Nathan Explosion
All right, check this out, it's scream-activated lighting. [screams, and concert lights turn on to a double-bass pedal beat]
TText
MONEY SPENT ON DETHKLOK INTERIOR DESIGN. SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING- $12 MILLION
Nathan
See? You come home, it's dark. Where are my keys? [screams, and lights up the keys on a desk] Over there. [to scientists] Put them in every single room in the house!
TText
SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING: IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE- $89.9 BILLION
SScientist
I'm afraid that's going to cost an aweful lot of money, I'm just telling you.
Nathan
FUCK money!
This is my platinum practice chambers.
TText
PLATINUM PRACTICE CHAMBER- $6.5 BILLION
I haves a solid rubys metronomes.
TText
SOLID RUBY METRONOME- $8.3 BILLION
And a champagne humidifier.
TText
CHAMPAGNE HUMIDIFIER- $2 MILLION
So fucking expensive that it makes me horny.
This is my Endangered Species Furniture Room!
TText
ENDANGERED SPECIES FURNITURE ROOM- $28 MILLION
TText
CALIFORNIA CONDOR BOTTLE OPENER- $5 MILLION - GOLD PLATED MEERKAT SHELF HOLDER- $30 MILLION - GIANT PANDA THROW RUGS- $2 BILLION - GIANT TORTOISE OTTOMAN- $1.5 MILLION - SILVER GAZELLE WALL SCONCE- $4 MILLION - HELTER STORK TIFFANY LAMP- $6 MILLION
Seriously guys, fuck money!
TText
TOTAL EXPENDITURES $106,788,500,000
Nathan
You're in a tribute band paying tribute to yourself? That's like jacking off to a picture of yourself online!
Of course I'm nots paying tributes to myself. In Thunderhorse, I'm Skwisgaar.
Dat's why my pants and shirts keeps disappearing! Dat's fucking weird dudes.
Well we're really good, we plays every Thursday nights.
[pause]
Nathan
Thursday night? That's impossible, you have astronaut class on Thursday night.
Astronaut class is a lie?! I've been telling everyone that you're gonna be an astronaut! Now you're making me look like an asshole!
Nathan
Wow, what a shit-hole. Look at that stage, it's fucking tiny!
Oh wait, no dude, it's just an optical illusion. It just looks small because it's really far away. Check it out, I'll walk all the way over to it. [walks right into the stage] Holy shit! That's tiny!!
Nathan
Toki, you gotta let us into your band!
I agrees! I thinks it is just what we needs!
But we already gots a you. Me!
Well fines then. I'll be you! A much betters you!
No it'll be perfect! We'll be regular jack-offs! No one will even know it's us if we're in our own tribute group!
You all wants to join Thunderhorse?
Nathan
Yes! We do! We're gonna take a break from that fucking disgusting asshole rich life. And what better way to do that than by joining a tribute band of the greatest band in the world? Dethklok!
You do it, I'm not doing it.
I'll do it, I don't care.
Nathan
Yeah you do it Pickles, go, see...
Nathan
Yeah, see what happens. See what happens.
See if you gotta wait for a little...
Nathan
Go. Go go go go go.
I have a beer ticket for one beer please.
Nathan
What- what is he doing?
[in complete awe] Guys....it's a beer!
You means dat dats things dat he gaves you ams likes littles moneys whats ams onlys for beers?
[enraged] How come Dethklok never got beer tickets before?!
Nathan
All right, listen. This is bullshit. All we ever get is all the booze we can ever drink! We never get beer tickets!
CClerk
Next. [Dethklok approaches] Oh, look at you guys, you're a baaand huh? That's REAL exciting! Making fliers huh, so you can get BIG and famous!
Nathan
[really tired] Uhhh...yeah, you know, we'd like to make some fliers.
CClerk
And what's your band called?
[really tired] Uhh we're called, uh, Thun-
CClerk
[mocking] I NEVER HEARD OF THEM! SURPRISE!
[dressed as Skwisgaar] That's whys we am gettings fliers so peoples whats knows what who we are.
CClerk
And you're gonna be a big Rock 'N Roll star huh? Wowwweeeee. Another baaand!
Nathan
If I wasn't so lethargic from hunger, I'd uh....kick your ass and make copies of it here...copy... [stomach growls loudly] That's my stomach...making that sound...
Nathan
You know, uh, guys? It's hard to say this but... I've had my fucking fill of getting back to our roots... And that's because it fucking sucks.
I am so glad you said that. I mean the reason we're in Dethklok is because we all paid our dues already!
I says we gets the fuck out of here.
But dude we still have to do that benefit. We promised those guys we'd do it!
Nathan
Thunderhorse promised, not Dethklok. Dethklok's getting the fuck out of here, getting some fucking food!
Metalocalypse · 448 quotes
