Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!
S8Dear Uncle Abdul
[Hawkeye and BJ ask Klinger who he thinks is the funniest guy in the camp.]
It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.
S8Captains Outrageous
Potter (about a General): The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.
Mulcahy (after finally receiving his captain's bars): This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!
S8Stars and Stripes
I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.
Hawkeye (to Margaret): Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.
S8Yessir, That's Our Baby
I've talked to everyone in the camp - which, by the way, is a first for me - and no one saw or heard a thing. A fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.
(after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)
BJB.J.
You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
[Charles and Hawkeye are trying to secure the Justice Department's assistance through a disinterested Roger Prescott; Hawkeye is getting more irritated as Mr. Prescott keeps leaving the room]
If he tries to leave the room one more time, he's gonna be a diplomatic corpse.
Now, you see, Pierce? This is precisely the reason that I am needed here. Your pugnacious attitude will accomplish nothing.
Ooh, but it'll make me feel so good!
You're clearly out of your element here. This is a time for civility and graciousness; there is no room for rancor.
How about just one bolo punch?
Look. If you wish to accomplish our objective, you will leave this to me. I'm well-versed in the verbal art of thrust and parry, give and take.
Kick and gouge.
Sit there, keep your mouth shut. I will orchestrate these proceedings to a successful-
[Prescott returns to his office]
Well, so much for that.
[sarcastic] Delightful for you to drop in on us again.
Can you imagine, those cretins were actually going to seat the deputy chargé d'affaires next to a sumo wrestler!
[more sarcastic] Oh! How gauche!
[glancing at Hawkeye] Yes, these are trying times.
Yes, they certainly are.
They take one's attention away from the important issues at hand. For example, the disposition of the unfortunate child we were discussing.
Yes, the child.
The one we want to send to the States. That child.
Yes. Well, the answer's no.
No? Just like that? No?
Pierce. Mr. Prescott, surely you will agree that this is a decision that should not be made in haste; there must be some discussion.
Actually, none whatsoever.
Look, Prescott, this "unattended juvenile" you're so blithely dismissing could conceivably be murdered in the name of racial purity. You got space on your application for that?!
Pierce, I'm handling this, remember?
There's nothing to handle. The Immigration and Naturalization Service, by statute, has strict quota restrictions. My hands are tied.
Now there's an idea!
[elbows Hawkeye] Just a moment. There are always alternatives.
Not in this case, Major.
[trying to maintain composure] Mr. Prescott, I have friends of considerable influence.
Gentlemen...
Congressmen.
...you are wasting my time.
Senators.
Please believe me, this is departmental policy.
Cabinet members.
There can be no immigration under the circumstances you have set forth.
Captains of industry.
Good day.
[Losing his temper, Charles slams his peaked cap on Prescott's desk and jumps to his feet]
There's nothing good about it, Mr. Prescott! We are discussing a little girl! A human being who is facing a life of misery! An issue infinitely more important than you and your stupid seating arrangements!
Charles-
Shut up, Pierce! [Prescott's desk telephone buzzes; Charles snatches up the handset] Mr. Prescott is in conference; let them eat out! [hangs up]
How dare you-
You smarmy bureaucratic microbe; you're going to that dinner breathing through your FLY!
[Charles tries to attack Prescott, who flees while Hawkeye restrains Charles]
Run for your life, Prescott, it's a wild boar!
S8Bottle Fatigue
Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
Did I say something to offend him?
Charles (Enters Colonel Potter's tent): Colonel it is imperative I get to Boston
Boston, Massachussettes?
Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachussettes.
Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barrelling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?
S8Heal Thyself
(afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take that, you little homewreckers!
(looking at Potter's painting)
That is either a horse or the RCA building.
It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
Major go about your business.
I have no business.
Take a nap.
I'm not sleepy!
Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.
NNewsome
(after walking out of OR and going into the tent): The blood won't come off. No matter what I do it just stays there. See? Never gonna go away. No matter how many times I wash or how much I scrub it's gonna stay there. Where do they come from? What do they expect me to do? I cant. I cant.
Let me get you to your tent.
I'd better warn you, Major, I get mighty crotchety when I'm battling a bug. And I make one ornery patient.
Well, I make one ornery nurse! Take it easy.
(Enter: Winchester)
Uh-- Colonel isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um-- how shall I put it-- bagged?
It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester, it's mumps.
(laughs) I-- Forgive me, Colonel. It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady - afflicting a man of your advanced years.
Step aside, Major.
What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?
Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester, I'd prefer the mumps. At least I know they're going to go away.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.