Well I don't blame her, Father, I think you're as cute as the dickens.
S8Nurse Doctor
Margaret (walks into Potter's office along with Mulcahy and Hawkeye): You wanted to see us sir?
Not really but it's the only way I can talk to you.
What's this about Colonel?
Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.
Mulcahy (Knowing he is the cause): Oh dear.
Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."
Hawkeye (Confused): What?
So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."
I do not hate her.
So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybodie's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."
Mulcahy (After hearing the story): Colonel you must understand she's very upset.
That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.
She musn't give up.
Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (Points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (Points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (Points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.
S8Private Finance
You know, you'd make a fine priest.
Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.
Potter (to Hawkeye): This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at ten!
Klinger (to Korean mother who accuses him of conduct unbecoming): Madam, it is against the rules to fold, spindle, or perforate military personnel. Could we go back to the broom or how about a vacuum cleaner? Uhh Colonel would you mind dropping everything and coming out here fast?!
What the heck is going-- put that thing down lady this is no hayride. Now what in the name of Beezlebub is goin on here? (everyone starts talking at once to explain and Colonel Potter holds up his arms for silence) Hold it down! (After everyone is quiet) Now that's more like it. Klinger this woman seems a little cranky.
Actually sir it's very amusing.
Then how come Madame Pitchfork isn't laughing?
Klinger (referring to Korean woman holding pitchfork): This is Miss Oksun Li. She thinks I was playing inappropriate games with her daughter here.
S8Mr. and Mrs. Who?
On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
DDonna
When was that?
It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
DDonna
Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
Nope. Got pneumonia!
BBJ
Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
I undo.
BBJ
And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
DMDonna Marie
I undo, too.
BBJ
Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.
Klinger, unless my pants are on fire you are a dead man.
BBJ
Now, Father- we understand this ceremony may be against the tenets of your religion
(drunk) I didn't know tennis was a religion!
S8The Yalu Brick Road
Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
Certainly, Sergeant.
I murdered somebody...tomorrow.
C'mon, I'm trying to help!
You wanna help? Die on your own.
(Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)
Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.
You know you feal after eatting two many hot dogs and drinking too much cheap booze?'I wish I felt that good!'
"You mean Klinger poisoned us with his Thanksgiving surprise?"
"It sure looks that way."
S8Life Time
We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!
BBJ
Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
BBJ
Hawk, we saved his life.
Yeah, well I guess that's something.
BBJ
It's more than something, it's everything.
(The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret jump for joy. A blood-drained Charles rests nearby)
WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
BBJ
We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
And part Winchester.
That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.